Well that sucks.

We’re here today to talk about one of my least favorite things in life: INSECURITY.

It’s ugly…it hurts…it causes anxiety…and it can tear a relationship apart faster than anything else!

So first, let’s get into the causes: It can start as young as a few years old, from that moment that Daddy walked out and left the family and that little girl couldn’t understand what she did to make him go.

Or that day that a classmate called her fat and ugly when she was 13 and she wondered if maybe she really was…

or it can be caused by a cheating boyfriend or a two-faced girl friend when you’re 20 years old.

There is a range of things that can cause these issues but no matter the cause, the result is still just as ugly.

You’ll learn to live alone in a world of walls and darkness.

Luckily, I had an awesome daddy who made many sacrifices for me and my sisters and loved us and our mother! So no issues there…but as you read in one of my earlier blog posts, I was very shy and insecure girl in middle school. I was always afraid I would say something stupid and it was because I was made fun of! Add others pointing and laughing to your own doubts about your appearance and lack of knowledge on “how to be cool,” and you get one truly SILENT little girl. Then years later, add in cheating boyfriends, backstabbing girl friends and that silent girl becomes a very outspoken DON’T-MESS-WITH-ME girl! (which is not always a good thing)

I have an ex that was the mental abuse type…and actually it just started out with small things. One thing I will never forget early on in the relationship – He introduced me to some guys and girls that he’d been friends with for a long time. Me being the person I am, I was friendly and just chatted with them all the time when we would hang out with them. Then one day, when we got back home, he told me that the girls in the group were NOT my friends and that they didn’t even really like me that much. I kinda waved it off and I was like “they always talk to me, I’m sure it’s fine.” But he was persistent and moved to “they make fun of you when you’re not there, Brandi.” OUCH.

So I finally learn to come out of my shell and be myself…and then this happens.

Here is the part where I started to distance myself from others. I never confronted anyone about it, I just pulled back a little from the group and kinda stayed quiet when I was around them, really only giving input when someone said something to me. And it was fine. Everyone acted the same around me and didn’t really notice that I never really talked much with them.

 Sad, but hey, at least I wasn’t giving them anything extra to talk about. That was the first little seed he planted in the “let me tear down this girl’s self-esteem” flower pot.

Fast forward a few months, one day I came home to our apartment and he had left his Facebook account open on my laptop. UGH WHYYYYYY?! This situation almost NEVER results in anything good. And this was definitely NOT a reassuring experience. Of course, he had several conversations in his inbox with other women. It ranged from “Hey beautiful…thanks for the add. How are you?” (Yea…he was THAT guy) all the way to full blown sexual conversations that included comments like “So when will I get to meet you to make this happen?” REALLY, DUDE? On MY computer?? Yep. And the messages just went on and on…like are you just trying with ANY girl you see? Not to mention the few EX-GIRLFRIENDS that were mixed in amongst these convos. I guess he just wanted to increase his odds. Good Lord. It just made me wonder, if you could have ME easily (since I was constantly sitting at home waiting for you) then why was it that you would rather put in all this work to get THOSE females. Am I below THAT level of female? Really? Another seed…

And my heart became a little harder, a little colder, a little more closed off.

After that we broke up…but of course when you have that type of broken down mindset, you don’t stay away for long. So here I came, back again at the first sign that he “wanted to try.” And I thought, okay he gets it now…I’m not playing and he’ll be better this time. Right? WRONG.

We were back together and doing fine….a couple months in, I was just watching some tv, folding laundry…and a condom falls out of his pocket. First let me say, I was about 6 months pregnant around this time so obviously we were not in the business of safe sex. Apparently, we should’ve been. When I walked myself upstairs, condom in hand, he waved it off nonchalantly saying “That was from when we broke up.” umm…the breakup that lasted about TWO WEEKS! You wasted no time in moving on, did you?! Seed. He realized his mistake and covered it with a “I bought them just in case…I didn’t use any of them.” Okay…fine. I backed off because we’re supposed to be rebuilding now, right? I have to have some trust, right? And I can’t hold it against him if we weren’t even together…right?

So, a few more months in…

After so many accounts “accidentally left open,” (seed) phones left lying around, (seed) females approaching me with stories of his betrayal (seed, seed, SEED!) you start to wonder if it’s really an accident. He couldn’t possibly be THAT stupid. Or did he just want out? You start to spend all of your time wondering what he’s doing, what he’s thinking, how he feels, if he still loves you…It’ll drive you CRAZY. And of course, ask him about it and YOU’RE PSYCHO, you’re being paranoid, he doesn’t know if he wants to be with someone who can’t trust him. At this point you should just say “OK FINE. PLEASE GO!” but of course, we never do. It’s strange how quickly our anger turns to fear when a guy starts talking about leaving. And then all you can think is “what can I do to make him stay?” You start making excuses for yourself “I just love you so much, I’m afraid of what I’d do if I lost you.” “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again, it’s just these crazy pregnancy hormones.” And making excuses for him, lying to yourself… “He would never cheat on me, he loves me.” “We were fighting, it’s not his fault…I drove him to this.” “Maybe if I would’ve been more attentive, he wouldn’t have been going somewhere else for attention.” etc etc ETC! Ridiculous. smh. All that does is give him more ammo to use against you the next time. And he knows he has the upper hand so he just rubs your “paranoia” in your face a little longer, just to make sure you realize how close you were to losing him this time. That way, you’ll spend the next few days or months or YEARS trying to make it up to him and you will be much more hesitant to question him the next time a situation like this comes up. Hello, insecurity flower…he has succeeded.

  And yet we stay…

And you really allow him to convince you that YOU are the one that is wrong.

So move on down the line, issue after issue, the insecurity piled up, I was juggling school and work and pregnancy…the due date was closing in on me and my relationship was crumbling down around me. Finally, it was just too much for him…FOR HIM? lol…smh…yes. He decided to “end it.” Three weeks before the baby. To me, it was almost a sigh of relief (because I’ve never been good at breaking up with anyone). I’m just not the “I give up” type of girl. I always see so much potential in a person. But understand that potential is not always achieved. Especially if he doesn’t WANT to do better…and you don’t make him. So now came the time to find a new place to stay (since we lived together) so my very pregnant self started looking…while he was planning a trip with his friends (did anyone ever hear the story of the ants and the grasshopper?).

Whatever…his well being was no longer my problem. I found a few places but they had application fees to put down before you could be approved. So after about a week of looking, I finally narrowed it down to one. I had put a little money aside in the house for the baby so I went to get some for the application fee…and it was gone. GONE?! No answer to my call. How surprising. Did I mention that there are several things that go into immense insecurity and distrust?  He took MY money that was supposed to be for the BABY and used it to go on a trip with his friends? And that was it. The icing on the cake. Things would never be the same. He had now shown me that not only did he not care about me, but he also didn’t care about this baby growing inside of me.

Sadly, this is not the end of this horrible story. After the change, he realized I wasn’t going to be walked over anymore and he tried even harder to break me down any time he saw me. Long story short, the mental abuse continued and turned physical. And looking back at it all, I kept trying to figure out where I went wrong (yep, I was still blaming myself). What had I done to make him treat me this way? I wondered when I had lost his heart. How he could be so cold and uncaring and selfish. I became so angry and BITTER that one day I woke up and I didn’t even recognize myself. It was to the point that I didn’t do anything except go to work and school and come back home with my son. I didn’t have friends, I didn’t talk to family, I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. I had nothing nice to say so I just said nothing…

After a LONG while, I became so embarrassed that I had allowed him to affect my life so greatly. I allowed him to COMPLETELY change who I was as a person. I allowed him to take my smile. I had no life. And he was off somewhere living happily. He felt nothing like what I was feeling. At that moment I realized that his heart was never mine to lose.

Luckily for me.

 

It could’ve been a lot worse. Thankfully I never married him, I never had another child with him, and I was finally able to walk away and piece myself together. It took a long time…and a lot of heart work. It took that baby smiling up at me every morning, it took God and sooo much faith, it took me learning to trust the unknown, to carry my head high and keep going. God blessed me and my family with so many amazing things after that. Strength, stability, LOVE.

You can learn to overcome insecurity. Number one…do not stay with a person that is continuously doing things to make you feel insecure. Take some time for YOURSELF. Learn to love YOU and figure out what it is that YOU need. Open up to God…let Him heal you…let Him mold you…allow Him to make you into the WIFE that you will be for the right man. After that…yes, insecurity will still rear it’s ugly head from time to time, that’s just human nature. You can step outside and scream if you need to. But then pull yourself together. Don’t take your past and allow it to affect your present and future. When you see his phone sitting there, don’t pick it up. When he has to go somewhere without you, don’t spend your time wondering where he is or what he’s doing. When he doesn’t answer, don’t jump to conclusions. TRUST HIM.

I’m not saying to be stupid. When there is proof in your face, investigate. But don’t allow insecurity to drive you crazy! If you think about it, do you trust him? Do you feel like your heart is safe with him? Then let him LIVE. Don’t question his every move. And TALK TO HIM. Let him know what you’re worried about (without accusing him of all your fears and completely fabricated scenarios). Explain to him what he’s doing that makes you feel this way (or realize that he’s NOT doing ANYTHING to make you feel this way and maybe, just maybe it IS your past). Trust me, it’s a lot better to just ask him and talk about it then to allow your WILD imagination to dwell on it. The results will be much more like this

And a lot less like this

(which is what’s going to happen if you’re steady talking about how ugly, inadequate, worthless you are, checking his phone, questioning him, accusing him of cheating all the time, NEED I GO ON?!)

Also, stop posting all your problems on Facebook (because we all know that’s where the hoes are checking to see if there’s an opening for them to slide into your spot), love him…love YOURSELF…and stop WORRYING so much. If you respect and love yourself, you give others the opportunity to do the same. If it’s that hard to trust him, maybe you’re not supposed to be there. If that’s the case, then LET IT GO and move on! Happiness is out there waiting for you.

Lessons Learned: LOVE YOURSELF enough to know when it’s time to go. Do not allow someone to make you feel anything but beautiful.

And don’t bring your past into your present. Let that man LOVE YOU. He will…if you let him.

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Looking Back (Part 1)

So one of the first things I’d like to talk about…RELATIONSHIPS. It’s funny to look back at different ages, relationships, stages in life…and to think about all the factors that go into how you handle a person or situation. Looking back, obviously most people think “man..why didn’t I say this?” or “why did I let that happen?” but when you’re caught up in everything, sometimes it’s hard to know what decision you’ll make. So let’s just get right into it.

I remember back in middle school when I had a crush on a boy…the first time this actually turned into a kind of sort of…relationship if you could call it that in middle school. It’s kind of funny looking back on it now and yet somehow still just as embarrassing. First, let me say that I was a total and complete NERD in middle school…11 years old, skinny, too tall, ugly haircut, no fashion sense…and a roller backpack…

Needless to say, I never looked up from the floor when I walked down the hall. Sad really when I think about it. But moving on…so I had a crush on this boy in my gym class but he was way more popular than me so I never thought anything of it. I honestly cannot remember how but we actually began having conversations in gym class every day and eventually, he wrote me a note asking if I wanted to be his girlfriend. Of course, I was elated and said yes! But after that came the second guessing, the “what if I look stupid in front of him??”, and the “omg how did this happen?!” so I completely clammed up and never really talked to him in person again after that. lol! wth…we would still write notes though (bc for some reason I was brave when he wasn’t standing in front of me.) But inevitably, he ended the relationship with the girl who refused to speak a word to him. Haha…lesson learned: Just be yourself. He liked you that way.

Be Yourself

Moving on….let’s skip forward two years to high school where HEY! I was actually a little better! I was 13 years old my freshman year. I had refused to continue in band…YES, I SAID BAND! (Ugh…I try to forget these things). I grew my hair out, I actually had a SHAPE to my body and I dressed way better. (Thank God) And yet, that mindset still remained: “omg, what if I look stupid in front of everybody?!” Though I occasionally looked up from the ground during walks through the hallway between classes, for the most part, I still kept my mouth shut for fear of saying something mortifying. I did, however, have conversations on the bus! So naturally my next reciprocated crush was a boy who lived down the street from us. I was his girlfriend for a month or two but eventually this too fell apart bc of my extreme awkwardness around guys that I liked. I don’t know what it was about gaining the girlfriend title that all of a sudden rendered me almost mute! I could totally chat with you all day until “you wanna be my girlfriend?”  

awkward

But hey…I was getting closer to opening up…I guess. So move on another year…sophomore year…my next crush was two years older than me. I didn’t really know a lot about him but he was really nice to me and had been a friend of my sister’s for years. My parents had a rule that I wasn’t allowed to go out on dates until I was old enough to drive but he was fine with that so he just came to my mom’s house to hang out with me every day after school. And guess what …I ACTUALLY SPOKE TO HIM! haha… milestone!

Anyway…we hung out for months at my parents’ house, he was my first real kiss (YES at 14 years old I had my first kiss!), he bought me a cute little ring at Christmas time, it had my birthstone in it and he pinned it inside the pocket of a hoody (hoodies were my FAVORITE thing to put on in cold weather…scratch that, hoodies ARE my favorite thing to put on in cold weather! ha…) I really liked this guy. This was also my first experience at heartbreak when, after four months of dating, I found out he had been sleeping with a girl at our school for who knew how long. Needless to say, we broke up and little Brandi was heartbroken (as heartbroken as a 14 year old can be lol)…what REALLY devastated me was when I found out in the lunchroom that he had told everyone INCLUDING MY OLDER SISTER (whom I was very close with) that I had lost my virginity to him AND it only took him TWO WEEKS to get me to do it! WHAT?! So I found my courage REAL QUICKLY after that, I immediately stood up in front of everyone and stated loudly (to the entire cafeteria) that I had not done ANYTHING with that guy! Let’s get that straight…Another lesson learned: Don’t always be so trusting.


The next two relationships…man…what can I say? They were def a WHOLE PILE of lessons learned…I learned a few things the hard way with them…but I also gained some beautiful things in the end. This discussion will have to continue in another blog because those are two VERY LONG STORIES! haha

But thanks for joining me! Be back soon!