So one of the first things I’d like to talk about…RELATIONSHIPS. It’s funny to look back at different ages, relationships, stages in life…and to think about all the factors that go into how you handle a person or situation. Looking back, obviously most people think “man..why didn’t I say this?” or “why did I let that happen?” but when you’re caught up in everything, sometimes it’s hard to know what decision you’ll make. So let’s just get right into it.
I remember back in middle school when I had a crush on a boy…the first time this actually turned into a kind of sort of…relationship if you could call it that in middle school. It’s kind of funny looking back on it now and yet somehow still just as embarrassing. First, let me say that I was a total and complete NERD in middle school…11 years old, skinny, too tall, ugly haircut, no fashion sense…and a roller backpack…
Needless to say, I never looked up from the floor when I walked down the hall. Sad really when I think about it. But moving on…so I had a crush on this boy in my gym class but he was way more popular than me so I never thought anything of it. I honestly cannot remember how but we actually began having conversations in gym class every day and eventually, he wrote me a note asking if I wanted to be his girlfriend. Of course, I was elated and said yes! But after that came the second guessing, the “what if I look stupid in front of him??”, and the “omg how did this happen?!” so I completely clammed up and never really talked to him in person again after that. lol! wth…we would still write notes though (bc for some reason I was brave when he wasn’t standing in front of me.) But inevitably, he ended the relationship with the girl who refused to speak a word to him. Haha…lesson learned: Just be yourself. He liked you that way.
Moving on….let’s skip forward two years to high school where HEY! I was actually a little better! I was 13 years old my freshman year. I had refused to continue in band…YES, I SAID BAND! (Ugh…I try to forget these things). I grew my hair out, I actually had a SHAPE to my body and I dressed way better. (Thank God) And yet, that mindset still remained: “omg, what if I look stupid in front of everybody?!” Though I occasionally looked up from the ground during walks through the hallway between classes, for the most part, I still kept my mouth shut for fear of saying something mortifying. I did, however, have conversations on the bus! So naturally my next reciprocated crush was a boy who lived down the street from us. I was his girlfriend for a month or two but eventually this too fell apart bc of my extreme awkwardness around guys that I liked. I don’t know what it was about gaining the girlfriend title that all of a sudden rendered me almost mute! I could totally chat with you all day until “you wanna be my girlfriend?”
But hey…I was getting closer to opening up…I guess. So move on another year…sophomore year…my next crush was two years older than me. I didn’t really know a lot about him but he was really nice to me and had been a friend of my sister’s for years. My parents had a rule that I wasn’t allowed to go out on dates until I was old enough to drive but he was fine with that so he just came to my mom’s house to hang out with me every day after school. And guess what …I ACTUALLY SPOKE TO HIM! haha… milestone!
Anyway…we hung out for months at my parents’ house, he was my first real kiss (YES at 14 years old I had my first kiss!), he bought me a cute little ring at Christmas time, it had my birthstone in it and he pinned it inside the pocket of a hoody (hoodies were my FAVORITE thing to put on in cold weather…scratch that, hoodies ARE my favorite thing to put on in cold weather! ha…) I really liked this guy. This was also my first experience at heartbreak when, after four months of dating, I found out he had been sleeping with a girl at our school for who knew how long. Needless to say, we broke up and little Brandi was heartbroken (as heartbroken as a 14 year old can be lol)…what REALLY devastated me was when I found out in the lunchroom that he had told everyone INCLUDING MY OLDER SISTER (whom I was very close with) that I had lost my virginity to him AND it only took him TWO WEEKS to get me to do it! WHAT?! So I found my courage REAL QUICKLY after that, I immediately stood up in front of everyone and stated loudly (to the entire cafeteria) that I had not done ANYTHING with that guy! Let’s get that straight…Another lesson learned: Don’t always be so trusting.
The next two relationships…man…what can I say? They were def a WHOLE PILE of lessons learned…I learned a few things the hard way with them…but I also gained some beautiful things in the end. This discussion will have to continue in another blog because those are two VERY LONG STORIES! haha
But thanks for joining me! Be back soon!