On Another Note…

So let’s take a break from that topic for a while and just discuss some other things. Hmm…

Ok…that moment when you realize you haven’t had a visit from Mother Nature in quite some time…but no wait…it hasn’t been that long, has it? *checks calendar* OMG!!! I’M LATE! So what’s your first thought? Probably one of the following: “OMG, how did this happen?!” “My parents are going to be so disappointed!” “Oh Lord what is my boyfriend going to think (or that random guy you might have slept with that one night after you had too many drinks…oh wait…or was it THAT guy??) I kid, I kid…or do I? Hey, one never knows in this day and age. Smh. Leaving all the moral issues aside (because you probably don’t want to be lectured about my views on sexual morality or how to practice safe sex lol) No need for that…I’ll just leave this here…

safeOr if HE did…

Onto the second thought…”OMG I AM SO SCARED! I’m not ready to be a mom! I don’t know anything about this! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH A BABY?!”

It is one of the scariest moments in a woman’s life…then she spends the next two weeks stressing over being pregnant, then trying to convince herself that she is NOT pregnant until finally the suspense is too much and she goes to buy a test. And here is the SECOND scariest moment in a woman’s life. That TWO WHOLE MINUTES that you must wait for the test results to completely come through.

Then one of two things happens…

#1 – the test is negative and there is a HUGE sigh of relief followed by an intense feeling of sadness (because by this point, you’ve already somewhat convinced yourself that having a baby wouldn’t be so bad after all.)

Or #2 – the test is POSITIVE and you go through that ridiculous emotional roller coaster all over again (repeat emotional response number 1 for 5 minutes) followed by 10 minutes of complete and utter silence while you try to sort through this.

The hardest part is when you are unsure that the father will be excited about this news. So there’s a whole entire dialogue you have with yourself about this…trying to guess what he will say, trying to figure out how you will respond, being terrified that he’s going to walk away, hoping that he’ll stay. He could totally freak…or he could have nothing to say and honestly, either one could be TERRIFYING right now! You always think about how careless you were and the fact that it’s not just HIS fault that you’re in this situation. You know how they always say that hindsight is 20/20? Yea…this is one of those situations where you think SO much more clearly after the fact. But hey, let’s go ahead and put this out there…there are some men that would be totally ELATED to find out they’re going to be a father!

At the same time, I want to be realistic with you and say that it usually takes the father a lot longer to come around and be okay with the idea of bringing a child into this world. There are the guys that will slowly drift out of your life or IMMEDIATELY run away! Don’t return your phone calls, stop coming around…

And then there are some guys who will totally fake it til they make it because the last thing they want to do is see you stressing and feeling like you’re facing this alone. They’re totally freaking on the inside, wondering if they can convince you to get rid of the baby (a thought that most women do not even consider an option), thinking that you could still lose it at this point so they don’t have to accept it just yet, and thinking about having to admit that they too got caught up in the moment (even though they thought this would never happen to them). But for the most part, sadly, this conversation usually ends with the woman looking like this…

Even having to say the words, “I’M PREGNANT” can result in severe anxiety but DO NOT BE AFRAID! YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! Before you get upset, first take a moment to realize that you have now had several weeks to come to terms with the possibility of a baby, whereas the father has only JUST found out (remember your reaction? The whirlwind of emotions you went through when you were freaking out? …be patient with him) If that man really loves you, he will be there. You guys will experience a tumult of stress, emotion, anger, denial, fear, and fighting but you can get through it if you’re both in it for the long hall!

So if it was scenario #1, then the moment is over. Nothing more to say about that but WRAP IT UP.

Scenario #2 though…man…you’re in for a wild ride!

The scaries: Morning sickness, weight gain, dehydration, anemia, possible birth defects or disorders, balancing work, school, relationship, and maybe other children all while consistently gaining weight and trying to keep your emotions in check. Being pregnant is HARD! You have to watch what you eat (while your body screams at you to eat EVERYTHING!…only to refuse it all and you end up hugging the toilet harder than you did last New Year’s Eve!)

So if you’re so sick all the time, how is it that you’ve gained 7 lbs in just a week and a half?! Now your pants don’t button anymore, your feet have swollen to the size of two small watermelons and you’re embarrassed to wear anything that doesn’t swallow your ever-thickening thighs. Hey…that’s PREGNANCY for you! Until you get to the point that you just don’t care anymore…you wake up and say (OUT LOUD) “Hey world, in case you didn’t realize it by this point, I’m fat and pregnant. Who cares anymore.” You can’t reach your legs to shave them (Hey honey, one day I’m going to have to ask you to help me with that), what’s the point in wearing makeup because you’re just going to sweat it off anyway, and you have to put your tennis shoes on before you get out of bed (because your feet won’t even fit in them by noon)!

But it’s okay, I promise. These things are definitely irritating enough to make you wonder why people ever decide to do this more than once…then you hear that heartbeat. And you see that little foot on the monitor. And the ultrasound tech tells you that this week, your baby’s ears have developed and he/she is falling in love with the sound of mommy’s voice singing while she gets ready in the morning. Or that first time you see Daddy put his hand on your belly and say hello…then you feel that little kick responding back. If your heart doesn’t melt, if you don’t get a little tear in your eye, then you have some sort of magic power of resistance (and I need you to bottle that up and sell it to the woman who keeps getting pregnant over and over and “just doesn’t know how it keeps happening?”)

Oh there’s just NO way, huh? You can’t think of ANY REASON that you keep getting pregnant? None at all?

Haha…oh ok…moving on. You’re going to get bigger, you’re going to be exhausted, most women will get stretch marks, but guess what…YOU ARE GROWING A PERSON! Does that not excite you? When I first saw my belly moving literally my first thought was, “Oh my goodness…this is amazing…how can anyone NOT believe in God?”

As you all know, my husband is my son’s father, but he is not my son’s biological father. And yet, one of the sweetest, most memorable moments in my life involved him and that moving belly of mine. As I stated in my last blog, there was SO much more to discuss in the relationship category. One thing I did not discuss with you yet is that after my high school sweetheart and I broke up, there was a 2 and a half year time period in which we did not see each other or talk at all. We moved on and dated other people. The guy that I dated resulted in the huge pregnant belly and watermelon feet! haha… He also was NOT the guy who stuck it out and stayed by my side. But we’ll just leave that topic alone.

Back to the good stuff. When I DID run into my high school sweetheart again, I was VERY far along in my pregnancy. Needless to say, I was at the “I don’t care what I look like anymore, I get a pass because I’M PREGNANT” phase lol. But…surprisingly…when he looked at me for the first time in years, I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world. I don’t know how he did it, or if he even meant to do it, but when he looked at me that way, I just wanted to cry. I felt like no matter what I had gone through during that pregnancy, everything was going to be okay.

 Ok THAT was not even the sweetest moment I referred to earlier…nope…how can it get sweeter? Let me tell you! I saw him almost every day after that. We would just sit on a bench in the middle of a courtyard at school and just talk about anything…the weather, the game last night, classes, just whatever. One time he just looked over at me and said “I don’t know what I was doing the last two years…” This situation was so simple and beautiful and so extremely complicated at the same time. Sometimes, he would just act like nothing had changed…completely ignore my ever-growing belly, and I let him because I knew how hard it was to deal with. And then one day, we were talking there on that bench and he stopped, looked over at me and said “Can I try to feel the baby?” OMG…it still makes me tear up just thinking about it.

So there it is…sweetest moment ever…and honestly it just gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe one day it could be alright. And look at us now! ^_^

I say all of this to tell you…no matter what point you are currently at in a pregnancy, it will be okay! Although I was not walking in God’s word, I was still nestled in His grace. Even when I did not know what to do, He always had a plan. It may not be the perfect situation, it may not work out while you’re still pregnant, but He knows…and one day, when He reveals His plan, you will stand in awe of His wisdom and unconditional love.

Lesson Learned: Have faith, Be patient…maybe God is not saying, “No,” He is just saying “I have something better in mind.”

Thanks for reading! Don’t forget to subscribe for future posts!

Looking Back (Part 2)

The next relationship…oh Lord…where to even begin… Ok, let’s start at the first day of school. You know how everyone comes into school on the first day with their brand new clothes trying to look really cute and get everyone’s attention (or in some cases for just ONE person that you’d thought about all summer).

Well our school was no different. So here I am looking all cute…haha just kidding…I honestly have no idea what I was wearing on the first day of school that year. I was talking to my friends (yes, I did have FRIENDS regardless of my nerdy past lol) and everyone was pointing people out and introducing people left and right. I met a few guys but they were sophomores so it was kind of a hi and bye type thing. Oh wait…rewind….let’s start here – last year was sophomore year and I had been in advanced classes since FOREVER. So looking over my credits, I realized that I only needed 2 courses to skip a grade. That summer I took the two classes I needed so I came back to school a Senior, at the ripe old age of 15. I want to say that  I came back just READY to show out and be ME…but I don’t remember things that way. I was definitely a lot more outspoken but only with people I knew. No more big sister to hang out with between classes, she had graduated last year. So I just had to do my own thing.

This year one thing was really awesome! I got to be in Mrs. Williams’ drama class. Everyone wanted to be in that class so it was really hard for anyone other than Seniors to get in. There was one thing that was excitingly scary that I had to look forward to…the dance show. Every year the drama teacher had a dance show that was performed in front of the whole school a few different times and also after school for the friends and family that did not go to school there. The exciting part – everyone LOVED the dance shows every year, any student that was in drama was required to be in at least 2 dances and there was always a good mix of new music and old school. The scary part – I CAN’T DANCE. (Did I mention that these dance shows were always recorded so that EVERYONE could forever remember these moments? …FOREVER AND EVER) *face palm*

Needless to say, I was looking forward to (AND DREADING) the dance show.

Whatever, drama class was great all year. She was one of those teachers that the students loved and related to, she was young and pretty and just fun to be around so I’m glad I chose to be in the class anyway.

Back to the story…the dance show was getting closer so we were always practicing. Super embarrassing for a non-dancer…I always wanted to stay in the back (but we were all rotated throughout the performance so that everyone was in the front at some point) and I was so terrified I would forget the moves. Whatever… There were a couple of times that ALL the drama classes had to practice the entire dance show together so, while we were waiting on others to be done with their dances, the other groups were in the gym across the hall. It was nice to just kick back and get out of class for a little while…and hey, wait, who was that? Didn’t I meet that boy on the first day of school? He was actually kinda ok looking…or really hot…whatever…But wait…he wasn’t a senior. How did HE get into drama? Must have been some sort of popular guy magic. Ok so…there he was. Alright, let me just play this off like I’m not trying to be cute. Buuuuut I still hope he notices me.

Well…it happened, for some reason, he noticed me! It must have been because I was so alarmingly good-looking! haha yea..sure. But really, who knows? I must say I was pretty ok that year…def a step up from my former self! I was still pretty shy and didn’t wear ANY makeup…but my clothes were cute, my body was on point (from years of playing soccer) and my hair was long and smooth and curly (bc I had never colored it and refused to cut it again after looking back at the middle school photos! Yikes!) Honestly, I’m not sure what made him try to talk to me back then…maybe it was bc I was a senior…or maybe because I could drive…but in all actuality it was probably because he hadn’t seen me dance yet 😉

 

Anyway, we were all practicing our different dances, right…so from across the room (where I was NOT watching his every move) I saw him get up and join his group to go across the hall and practice their dance. I decided to sneak over there this time and watch. AND WHEN I SAW HIM DANCE…whew Lord…it was over. And he knew it.

From then on we started passing notes, every day…in every class period. I don’t know how we learned anything that year with all the time we spent writing notes to each other. But I know that I looked forward to every single one. One day, just like any other day, I got a note with all his thoughts and events of the day but at the end he said, “You said everyone keeps asking you if we’re going out? They keep asking me too…so now if they ask you, you can just say yes.” Oh really? Real slick…there was no “Do you want to be my girlfriend?” sweetness here. Nope…straight to the point. But it didn’t matter…I was still over the moon!

A couple of days later, I took a test in drama class. After I was done, I went to the front to put it on the teacher’s desk and wait until everyone else was done. When I placed it on her desk she looked up, leaned in close, and asked me was it true that I was dating this guy. I just laughed and said yes and she said “Oh my goodness that is so cute!”

So began the relationship that everyone around us fell in love with too, the relationship that would shape and mold my life over the next four years. This boy became my first real love, the man I gave my virginity to (which is another story to come later), the man who showed me how amazing LOVE can really be…and also how the loss of it can completely take EVERYTHING from you…

Lesson Learned: Never lose hope for the best… but always expect the worst. That way you can never be disappointed.

Check back for the next relationship …and also WAY more to come on this relationship! See you later!

Looking Back (Part 1)

So one of the first things I’d like to talk about…RELATIONSHIPS. It’s funny to look back at different ages, relationships, stages in life…and to think about all the factors that go into how you handle a person or situation. Looking back, obviously most people think “man..why didn’t I say this?” or “why did I let that happen?” but when you’re caught up in everything, sometimes it’s hard to know what decision you’ll make. So let’s just get right into it.

I remember back in middle school when I had a crush on a boy…the first time this actually turned into a kind of sort of…relationship if you could call it that in middle school. It’s kind of funny looking back on it now and yet somehow still just as embarrassing. First, let me say that I was a total and complete NERD in middle school…11 years old, skinny, too tall, ugly haircut, no fashion sense…and a roller backpack…

Needless to say, I never looked up from the floor when I walked down the hall. Sad really when I think about it. But moving on…so I had a crush on this boy in my gym class but he was way more popular than me so I never thought anything of it. I honestly cannot remember how but we actually began having conversations in gym class every day and eventually, he wrote me a note asking if I wanted to be his girlfriend. Of course, I was elated and said yes! But after that came the second guessing, the “what if I look stupid in front of him??”, and the “omg how did this happen?!” so I completely clammed up and never really talked to him in person again after that. lol! wth…we would still write notes though (bc for some reason I was brave when he wasn’t standing in front of me.) But inevitably, he ended the relationship with the girl who refused to speak a word to him. Haha…lesson learned: Just be yourself. He liked you that way.

Be Yourself

Moving on….let’s skip forward two years to high school where HEY! I was actually a little better! I was 13 years old my freshman year. I had refused to continue in band…YES, I SAID BAND! (Ugh…I try to forget these things). I grew my hair out, I actually had a SHAPE to my body and I dressed way better. (Thank God) And yet, that mindset still remained: “omg, what if I look stupid in front of everybody?!” Though I occasionally looked up from the ground during walks through the hallway between classes, for the most part, I still kept my mouth shut for fear of saying something mortifying. I did, however, have conversations on the bus! So naturally my next reciprocated crush was a boy who lived down the street from us. I was his girlfriend for a month or two but eventually this too fell apart bc of my extreme awkwardness around guys that I liked. I don’t know what it was about gaining the girlfriend title that all of a sudden rendered me almost mute! I could totally chat with you all day until “you wanna be my girlfriend?”  

awkward

But hey…I was getting closer to opening up…I guess. So move on another year…sophomore year…my next crush was two years older than me. I didn’t really know a lot about him but he was really nice to me and had been a friend of my sister’s for years. My parents had a rule that I wasn’t allowed to go out on dates until I was old enough to drive but he was fine with that so he just came to my mom’s house to hang out with me every day after school. And guess what …I ACTUALLY SPOKE TO HIM! haha… milestone!

Anyway…we hung out for months at my parents’ house, he was my first real kiss (YES at 14 years old I had my first kiss!), he bought me a cute little ring at Christmas time, it had my birthstone in it and he pinned it inside the pocket of a hoody (hoodies were my FAVORITE thing to put on in cold weather…scratch that, hoodies ARE my favorite thing to put on in cold weather! ha…) I really liked this guy. This was also my first experience at heartbreak when, after four months of dating, I found out he had been sleeping with a girl at our school for who knew how long. Needless to say, we broke up and little Brandi was heartbroken (as heartbroken as a 14 year old can be lol)…what REALLY devastated me was when I found out in the lunchroom that he had told everyone INCLUDING MY OLDER SISTER (whom I was very close with) that I had lost my virginity to him AND it only took him TWO WEEKS to get me to do it! WHAT?! So I found my courage REAL QUICKLY after that, I immediately stood up in front of everyone and stated loudly (to the entire cafeteria) that I had not done ANYTHING with that guy! Let’s get that straight…Another lesson learned: Don’t always be so trusting.


The next two relationships…man…what can I say? They were def a WHOLE PILE of lessons learned…I learned a few things the hard way with them…but I also gained some beautiful things in the end. This discussion will have to continue in another blog because those are two VERY LONG STORIES! haha

But thanks for joining me! Be back soon!

Hello World :)

So here goes…a glimpse inside my head. I just want a space to write freely! I want whatever is on my mind at that moment to flow out into the world because, hey, we all need someone to talk to sometimes. I plan to write about all types of things though…sometimes we will laugh together…other times it won’t be so funny. Try to hang in there with me while I try to work out the kinks and get the hang of this! But yep, we’re doing it, let’s go!

hello world