A moment of silence…

Is there ever a moment in this life that the world can be silent around you…?

That you can just stand still and be in the moment.

Alone with God.

Sometimes everything just seems so loud from every direction, overwhelming almost to the point of collapse.

It’s crazy when you find a person that you can literally tell EVERYTHING to…because in those moments you realize just how much of your life and your past you have tried to bury deep deep inside of you where it can’t hurt you. Things that have happened to you. Things you’ve allowed…or maybe just didn’t stop… or couldn’t. Words that have cut you to your CORE…and when some part of your brain realized the depth to which those statements and happenings rocked you, it wanted to protect you and your heart. To keep you from becoming the coldest type of person. That moment where you stood on your tiptoes at the brink of destruction because so much had happened for so long…the moment that could make you or break you into a thousand pieces that may have never found themselves back together again. So some part of you walked to the innermost pocket of your brain and tucked these thoughts away so that you could forget and go on with your daily life. Yes, it hurt…but part of you was able to forget at least for a little while.

But that moment when all of a sudden you feel so many words passing through your lips to the ears of another person…words that not a single soul has ever heard come from you…in that moment is when you realize that all the pain has always been there, eating away at you from deep inside, just yearning to break free and wreak havoc on the peace that you have been able to find through God. Satan is ALWAYS working…he is always chipping away at the wall you’ve built around those memories.

A part of you thinks, “this is stupid…there are so many people who have been through things that are 10x worse than what I’ve been through. It’s probably not even that big of a deal. Nobody’s going to care. Or maybe they won’t believe. Especially if they find out that I’ve been keeping it from them for so long. They’re just going to think I want pity or sympathy…or maybe just attention.” The worst part is that you tell yourself these things…and then you never talk about it and it continues to hurt you, that knife just twisting around deep inside that you can never pull out. Why? Because you never talk to anyone about it.

So is Satan the one who’s trying to break it out? Or is he the one convincing you to hold it in? So that it can slowly kill your spirit…dull your shine…tear you apart from way inside.

How do you fight something that comes from within you?

Some days I wish I could just stand on a beach, by myself, and be alone with God, just for a little while. To talk to Him…and just to listen.

God, I want to hear You.

For fear of being unaccepted…

The moment that you realize that there is not one single person on this Earth that knows EVERYTHING about you. And that you are unwilling to allow yourself to open up more because…why? 

Because you realize that you walk in fear of someone throwing your decisions back in your face…you remember what it was like for someone to judge you, to see the change in their eyes as they see you in a completely different light. You keep it all locked away so they will never know how afraid you are. And you don’t even understand that the fear of being unaccepted paralyzes you…traps you inside yourself…behind the facade of who you think they want you to be.

I have a writer’s heart.

I wake up with words playing over and over in my mind and my spirit.

Sometimes the feelings and words just pile up until some of them spill over and there isn’t much else you can do with them but put them on paper.

A part of loving yourself is learning to accept every decision you’ve made in life.

To love every step you’ve taken.

To understand what has made you grow into who you are.

And to use that information to  become a better version of yourself.

Until that day…there are notebooks full of unspoken words that the world will never see…

…For fear of being unaccepted…

A Few Things I’ve Learned

Sometimes you come to a point in life where you don’t really know WHAT to do anymore. Maybe you feel pressure, like too many things are closing in on you from all angles. Maybe you feel sad and frustrated, like nothing you do is getting you anywhere. Maybe you feel alone, like none of these people are actually your friends and there’s really no one you can trust. Or maybe you feel like you’re just not good enough, not good enough for the job you want, not good enough for your friends or family or for him or just THE WORLD. It’s tough, sometimes, to get through these moments. It’s obviously Satan at work…you think you’re the one who came up with those ugly thoughts about yourself? No. He’s the one who whispers in your ear that you’re not good enough. He’s the one who points out every flaw so that they’re overwhelming in your mind. He’s the one that makes you doubt your abilities, all the blessings that God has given to you. The one who convinces you to back down just before you can really SHINE for all to see. The one that makes you feel…less than…He’s the one.

So don’t you let him win. When you hear that voice in your head that says “you’re so ugly in the mornings…look at those bags under your eyes…look at those blemishes on your skin…look how fat you are. Eww,” don’t you listen! He can do crazy things to you… if you allow him to.

Remind yourself how beautiful you are. Remind yourself that you are wonderfully made. Remind yourself that you are a child of GOD! Let that thought wash over you…it is truly amazing. After all, God put a lot of hard work into you. And He didn’t make any mistakes 🙂

Look at yourself with love and appreciation. Lesson.

With that being said, let’s talk some things I’ve learned in life…

Number one: I learned the hard way that you should not depend on other people, regardless of how much you think they care about you. Okay, first off, let me say that I am NOT talking about your spouse or significant other. Of course, you need to have at least ONE person that you can trust your heart with. Make sure that if you get married, it is to the right person because it is really hard to go through life with NO ONE to fully trust and love.

Friends and even family sometimes should be held at a distance. In life, there are some things you just have to keep to yourself. For example if you tell your friends or family EVERYTHING that goes on in your relationship, every fight, every disagreement, every little thing that angers or bothers you, then they’re going to remember EVERYTHING that goes on in your relationship. So learn to work your problems out for yourself. And for the really hard ones that you NEED an outside opinion on…choose someone that you KNOW has your best interests at heart and will support you whatever you decide…and make sure you tell them the WHOLE story, not just the parts that make them agree with you. Don’t call when you were angry and don’t want to hear someone else tell you that you’re wrong. Realize that your friends and family are not in love with your spouse like you are…so they’re not going to be as easily forgiving as you are (especially if they’ve only heard certain parts of the story). So now, when you get back with your man, don’t expect your friends and family to welcome him back with open arms. Nope…they’re going to be standing there rolling their eyes, arms crossed, giving him dirty looks.

Keep it to yourself. Lesson.

Another thing I learned is that you don’t always NEED to tell everyone everything anyway. Sometimes you need to just get through things on your own. (Have you ever had a moment where you called a couple people to vent angrily about something that just happened and no one answered…and then by the time they called you back, you had already worked everything out? Yea…remember that next time) Sort through your own thoughts, pray about it, and then decide what you want to do about it. Sometimes people have differences in opinion, they don’t think the way you do, so they won’t react the same way as you. Sometimes, that’s a good thing, just to get an outside perspective on the situation, but at the same time, if it is a big decision in YOUR life, then YOU should be the one to make it. You shouldn’t have to second guess what you choose to do just because your friend or family member doesn’t agree. And it can also be overwhelming when you get different advice from everyone around you.

Just live your life. Lesson. 

Patience…it is SO HARD to obtain. But it is one of the things that comes easier and easier as you get older.

We’re human…we want what we want exactly when we want it. And things don’t often work like that. We can stress, we can cry, we can make a big deal out of it, but in the end, it doesn’t really help anything and maybe could even hurt some things. When you get angry because you want to be married NOW, or you want a baby NOW, or you want to have more money NOW, it just causes more stress for yourself and for those around you! “Now, Now, NOW!” is never a great attitude. And you’re friends can only hear you complain about things for so long before it starts to get old for them, too. As adults, I feel like we grow out of the “drama” phase (well most of us anyway) and we want to steer clear of people who cause it. So it’s only a matter of time before people will start to avoid your calls or your presence altogether! Be careful…

Just realize that what is meant for you will be yours when the time is right.

If you don’t have it yet, it is not time for you to have it.

Patience…Lesson.

On the flip side, don’t let other people’s drama stress YOU out. Sometimes we get upset for other people. Maybe it’s our friend or family member and maybe their situation is bad enough to even make you lose sleep over it. If it is someone very close to you, of course, you’re going to be upset for them. But how many times can you bail them out of something or stress about a situation that they’re in before you realize that they don’t want to be saved from it. Sometimes people don’t take your advice because they aren’t READY to make that decision yet. Even if it is a bad situation, a person will not move on from it until they are completely ready to (and you know we’ve all been there at some point). So yes you can allow them to vent if you want to, you can give advice if they ask, but you cannot lose sleep over the decisions of others. It is THEIR decision after all.

Sometimes it’s people you don’t even know who honestly don’t even matter. You just heard a story from a friend of yours and started to get irritated about what Johnny did to Suzie or you’re aggravated because Lindsay is always posting all her half naked pictures online amidst posts about being a great mother to her daughter. Yea…it’s annoying. Johnny might be a really mean boyfriend. Lindsay might be a horrible mother. Or you could just be getting one side of the story and not actually know the truth about anyone. But regardless of the scenario, you need to ask yourself…”why am I expending my energy over this? Does this even affect my life? Who cares?” You can’t stress over people that have no relevance to your life…

 Let it go. Give it to God. Honestly, you have enough to worry about in your OWN life.

Mind your business. Lesson.

Well these are just a few of the things I’ve learned over the years that I thought I’d share…

Love yourself…with all of your might.

Do your best to think through your problems and pray about them. Don’t depend on others’ opinions to make the decision for you. 

Be PATIENT. What is for you will be yours.If you don’t have it, the time isn’t right…or it’s just not meant to be yours.

Free your mind of the drama of other people. Do not stress over things you cannot control.

Choose to be HAPPY. That IS a choice.

Ok, stop now and we will pretend like this never happened…

So this blog post is inspired by things that make me uncomfortable. lol.

I feel like people will have to relate to at least SOME of these…

The first completely uncomfortable thing…people that drive right next to you for several miles because they’re trying to get you to look over at them…and then they do something awkward like blow a kiss or do the head nod like “what’s up?”

Umm…no.

I always wonder what they expect to happen at this point…? Do you think I’m going to pull over and give you all my contact information? Like honestly…WHAT?

So the other day I had to get something from Walmart and it was kind of late at night. Afterward, as I was putting my groceries in the car, this man was walking in the parking lot past my car…HAVING AN ENTIRE CONVERSATION WITH HIMSELF…angrily! At first I thought that maybe he was angry about something that happened in the store and was just kind of venting to himself. But when he ANSWERED himself (as if it was two different people talking to each other) yea…no. Totally changed the situation. I just kept putting my groceries away and pretended like I wasn’t there, then got in my car and rushed away! Lol crazy man.

When men that are old enough to be my father or my GRANDFATHER stare or make really forward comments in my direction…that is sooo uncomfortable! I always get stuck in the “should I be respectful of my elders?” or “should I let this man know he is disgusting and way too old to be talking to or LOOKING at me like that?” It’s especially awkward when they just stare at you and you look over at them, they SEE YOU see them staring, and they DON’T LOOK AWAY

At this point, I’m wondering if you’re staring at me because you just asked someone to slip something in my drink and you’re just waiting for me to pass out or what..? For all you grown men who put these rapist vibes out into the world every day…You’re creepy…Stop it.

Another thing…stop letting your little boys touch people! It is inappropriate! Teach them boundaries and when you SEE them touching people, correct them! One time several years ago, I was with a friend over at her cousin’s house. Her cousin had a young son, maybe 2 or 3 years old, who was literally ALL OVER ME. At first I thought he was just friendly (you know some kids just get really excited when new people come around). At one point, he touched my hair and then he wanted to sit on my lap. Okay cool…then he definitely was trying to cop a feel and I was like WHOA, slow down there, pal! No thank you…

All the while, his mother just sat there and had the audacity to LAUGH about this. Umm no…I was like well I don’t even know this girl so how do I tell her to parent her child, but REALLY? Needless to say, I got out of there asap.

This also goes for the people who are posting videos of kids twerking or little girls dancing up on little boys. That is DISGUSTING and it never ceases to amaze me the things that people thing are “adorable” today.  That is NOT cute.

So have you ever had a falling out with a close friend…and then seen her out somewhere? That moment where you don’t know whether to smile and wave, say hi and talk as if nothing’s wrong, or just act like you don’t see her and keep it moving. It’s really uncomfortable because (if she was ever your best friend) your first instinct is to be overjoyed, throw your arms around her and tell her how much you missed her! But at the same time, you’re still angry with her or hurt about something she did and part of you just wants to cry. So usually you just keep walking and act like your fine.

Or maybe you two are just irritated with each other but it’s not necessarily the END of your friendship. Maybe you’re in the “really, I am just so tired of you asking for my advice and NEVER taking it…then complaining forever about the sad outcome of doing the OPPOSITE of what I told you.” phase…and then one of your mutual friends decide to have a cookout and invite both of you…so you sit on opposite sides of the room and try to interact with the same people…while not interacting with each other. AWKWARD.

Or even worse…when you see her, you decide you’d rather be the bigger person and just go talk to her. So you walk over there and open your mouth to apologize when she says…

Okay…can it get any more uncomfortable?!

You know what I really never know how to handle? When a person starts pointing out all their flaws and they’re actually TRUE…what do you say to that??? “No, honey, you’re not fat. You’re just …umm…I mean it’s just…well…” *throws hands up*

No wait…what’s worse is when a girl goes on and on about how amazing her man is…when you know he’s running around behind her back…with the girl who sits two cubicles down…who is currently smiling and nodding at her in agreement. “Yes he is sooo wonderful! You’re such a lucky girl!”

When really on the inside she’s like…

Ugh…I can’t STAND that girl!

On a more serious note…open RACISM makes me uncomfortable…not that any racism is acceptable, but when a person is BLATANTLY racist and feels no remorse about showing it…that really takes me out of my comfort zone. I’m not going to go into MAJOR detail about that because this blog is NOT asking for more drama in the world. But just a short example…a few years ago a girl I worked with told me that her mother GAGS when she sees interracial couples walking together down the street. Umm…what? Another co-worker of ours overheard and told me that she is disgusted with interracial couples as well. I just kind of narrowed my eyes and looked at her like Excuse me?

She told me that she feels that you are born a certain color to date a certain color…Umm yea…let me just reiterate that so you can catch the seriousness….she feels that YOU ARE BORN A CERTAIN COLOR TO DATE A CERTAIN COLOR. People of different colors should not mix. I battled on whether to even respond (since I was in my workplace) but I landed on this response, “In case you don’t realize it, I am the product of an interracial couple, as is my CHILD. My parents were not two different SPECIES, they just happened to be white and brown. I don’t understand how you can be DISGUSTED with interracial couples. It’s not like it’s a person and a dog or something…they are simply two people who fell in love.” She said, “Well that’s just how I was raised so it’s how I feel.” I said, “well just so you know, you have parents and then you have yourself…parents can tell you things and you take them into consideration and THEN when you grow up and learn about the world around you, you can make your OWN decisions. That is how CHANGE happens.” After which, I walked away so that I could drop the issue. SMH.

Okay one last one…when you’re with a group of friends in the middle of a debate, and your best friend says something that you completely do NOT agree with. But to admit that would mean that you’re siding with your other friends (who have taken the opposing view of you and your best friend). How do you say that you do NOT agree with what she just said, without sounding like you disagree with EVERYTHING she just said? I always hate that because I’m like “NOOOO! NO! Don’t say that! That ruins the whole argument!” or “That’s not even relevant! Come on, we’ve got to keep the upper hand in this debate!” lol It’s even worse when she looks over at you for support but you just know you disagree…and so does everyone else. I just sit there like “welp, I’m not even going to comment on that part.”

Lessons learned: It’s okay to have your own opinion.

If you’re not sure what to say, always try your hardest NOT to hurt someone’s feelings.

If strange men stare at you in a creepy way, RUN AWAY! And don’t drink anything.

Tell that girl that her son knows way too much and she better watch out before she becomes 30 year old grandma!

Do NOT trust Haley Too-Happy that sits two cubicles down… (-_-)

When you see your friend, if you still feel any remaining love for her, smile…whether you plan to stop and talk or not.

Don’t let close-minded people affect you negatively…ever.

That awkward moment when…

So I felt like having a good laugh today and decided to do a spin off from my bestie’s blog post 🙂 These might not necessarily be awkward moments that you’ve personally experienced but I thought I’d share them anyway.

Enjoy all these embarrassing (and somehow still funny) moments in my life 🙂

That awkward moment when your boyfriend’s mom sneaks out of her room and catches you guys with his hand up your skirt…yep…to this day it is still one of the most mortifying moments of my life. UGH…so freaking embarrassing!

Brandon: “her door squeaks really loud…we’ll hear her if she comes out.”

(see, he’s always been the bad one! 😉 )

Yea well, she’s def a super spy because she snuck up on us with a quickness!

“GET OUT OF THAT ROOM RIGHT NOW!”

My immediate thoughts: “Oh Lord, my life is over. I can never look her in the eye again…smh, Brandon, it was nice knowing you…”

Then he went in her room to talk to her and I could hear her talking about sex outside of marriage and Brandon was saying “Mom, we don’t have sex! We’re both virgins!” Her response: “There are different forms of sex! What was her hand doing?!”

OH MY GOODNESS…if you don’t feel completely mortified right now, then you’re lucky…because I just wanted to melt into the wall and disappear.

The worst part was that she made us sit on the couch in silence FOREVER while she sat on the other couch brooding over what to do with us. Yep…definitely awkward moments. And to this day she makes fun of me for it and thinks it’s funny to bring it up with my friends and joke on me. (-___-)

Next subject please

That awkward moment when you talk in your sleep…

So I hate Kung Fu movies right, (especially when they’re subtitled) so my husband always used to wait until I was asleep and then he would watch them. One night he was watching one while I was asleep and out of nowhere I said loudly, “NO!” as if in response to something. My husband said he leaned over me to see if I was awake but I was fast asleep and the funniest part about it: One of the characters had just asked (in CHINESE) “Do you think I care about your family???” (or something to that affect)…so to this day, my husband makes fun of me and says that apparently I can speak Chinese in my sleep. lol!

Another moment of sleep talking occurred not too long ago! Last week I was sleeping and my husband was watching a movie next to me. Apparently I felt the need to talk to him and he (being the WONDERFUL HUSBAND that he is) decided to record the conversation this time. So I’m speaking, in complete sentences (and in English lol) but the things I’m saying make absolutely no sense. From what I recall, I was upset because I wasn’t able to post “spaghetti comments” on Facebook bc they were too long and they wouldn’t give me the tools to do it.

Even more awkward, I didn’t know anything about it at all until the next day when he just started playing it and laughing his behind off! Not only was I not making any sense but he was laughing at me through the entire conversation, and at one point I repeated what I said, got mad at myself bc I realized it didn’t make any sense and then proceeded to say “That is NOT what I said.” The recording ended with me saying “just be quiet and stop recording me.” then repeatedly saying “Sssshhh. sssshhh” whenever he tried to keep talking to me, then finally just “Brandon, I said BE QUIET.”

That awkward moment when even YOU realize that you’re not making any sense.

That awkward moment when you’re under the influence and sing a few notes of a song, then a couple minutes later, your friend sings those few notes CORRECTLY and you realize how horribly you just sang them. My response: “Whoa I was way off…” And she laughed hysterically. I don’t think that either of us realized how off I was until she sang it correctly and the fact that I was the one to point out my mistake was the hilarious part. If only I had it on tape to share with you all…

That awkward moment (for him) when you turn down a guy before he even tries and he never lives it down.

So a few years ago, my best friend’s good friend liked me (did you follow that? a guy friend of my girl friend…anyway). He used to always hang out with us though because he was her really good friend. One night we were all hanging out at my house, had a few drinks, and he needed a ride home. My best friend had had a few too many to drive and I was the only one who had a car there. *sigh* why do people put me in these predicaments??? My friend stayed home with my son while I gave him a ride home.

So a few minutes of awkward conversation later, we made it to his house.

*Pulls up to the house*

Me: “Ok bye! See you later!”

Him: “Can I get a hug or something?”

Me: “You’re not going to try to kiss me are you?”

My immediate feeling was “OMG what did I just say??”

And from what I remember, I think maybe he tried to laugh it off…but he probably felt more like

And my best friend has made fun of him ever since!

smh

The moments I feel like a horrible person.

Okay so those were a few of my embarrassing moments!

Maybe I’ll post another blog like this from time to time just for a good laugh. haha

Lessons learned: Don’t try to sneak around…you WILL get caught.

Don’t drink and try to SING…

…or talk to a guy that likes you.

Also just don’t let your husband have a phone…or any other type of recording device. (-_-) lol

You gave me life.

I was struggling trying to figure out what I wanted to write about next. Then I was driving home from work the other day and had the most AMAZING worship session I’ve had in a long time. Sometimes just being in the car on your own, just you, God, and the music, it’s wonderful. No distractions, no worries, just singing along and thinking about all the things you have to praise God for.  And then you get THAT FEELING. Do you know what I’m talking about? That overwhelming, deep down in your soul, GOD feeling. It takes over and you are so overcome with peace and strength and joy. When you feel that you realize just how much more often you are STRESSED than calm. The world will do that to you…so just remember where you came from and remember that YOU HAVE A PURPOSE. Don’t worry if you’ve made some wrong decisions in the past…You do not have the power to ruin God’s plan for your life. You may make decisions that take you a little off course from time to time but understand that you will always reach your destination in the end. Have you ever been using GPS and made a wrong turn? What happened? “Re-routing…” and you were one your way again! So never fear…He is still working in your life.

With that being said, I know what I want to write about today!

Lyric Cole…the one who changed my life.

For those of you who don’t know, I got pregnant outside of wedlock. I was not married and as I stated in my pregnancy blog, by the time my son was born I was a full-on single mother. I didn’t even know what it was to have a relationship with God nor did I really know much about God at all. I would pray from time to time but it was more like an afterthought and I didn’t really ever think anything would result from it. I didn’t know I was supposed to have faith…honestly I felt that if you were a good person, you were going to heaven. Boy, how wrong I was.

Bear with me because this may sound cliché but when my son was born, when they placed that little baby on my chest, something inside me changed and I just cried. It didn’t just move ME either…there was a medical student who had requested to be in the room and this was her first time seeing a baby be born…when I looked up, she was standing a few feet away with tears streaming down her face, too. She walked forward and thanked me for allowing her to be a part of such a special moment and left. There was just SOMETHING that happened that day…it was the first time I felt THAT feeling and I didn’t even know how to describe it or what it was. I just remember being flooded with one overwhelming thought: GOD… and the feeling of love that washed over me was like no other feeling I had ever had before. I looked up at my mom with tears in my eyes and said, “Mom, I feel like God has touched my baby.” Like I said, I had no prior connection to God, I was just a “send up an occasional prayer request” type person. But God knew what he was doing and that day…a seed was planted.

Lyric

Fast forward about 6 months…the first time I ever took Lyric to church. I don’t know what made me go that day but I’m glad that I did. I went with my (now) mother-in-law (who has always shown such a strong faith and obedience to God and has also been an instrumental part of guiding me back to God). She is my witness…when we carried Lyric into the church that day, before we could even see the people, Lyric heard that music and immediately got so still, lifted his hand and looked upward. He stayed there so still for so long I was able to take a picture. When I looked at that picture, there was a light that seemed to focus on his upturned face and that sweet little baby hand. How he knew to do that, I still have no idea…but the awe on his innocent baby face told me all I needed to know…

He was HOME.

Lyric - God

And another seed was planted. I am so thankful that the seeds were GODLY this time!

Skip ahead another 6 months or so, Lyric was a little over one year old. He was now sleeping his own room…well TECHNICALLY…but both of us were on the couch together pretty much ALL NIGHT every night. Lyric woke up every single hour every night to eat. He had been like this since he was born. Needless to say, it had been one of the most EXHAUSTING years of my life. I used to look at my friends with older kids and wonder how they ever survived this.

One night out of nowhere, Lyric did not wake up for several hours…I remember waking up once, checking the clock and thinking “Oh THANK GOD, sleep!” After the second time I woke up, I sat up quickly, all grogginess washed away in an instant by a mother’s fear! OMG what if something was wrong?! So I rushed into his room to check on him but there he was, in his bed sleeping like an angel baby. 🙂

Screenshot_2015-07-14-22-31-48-1

So I kissed his forehead and went back to bed. A few more hours passed with both of us sleeping peacefully. Lyric only woke up one time that night. In the morning I felt so rested and thought wow…what a lucky night! But it proved to be something so much more than luck.

From that night forward, Lyric woke up only once a night, AT THE SAME EXACT TIME every night. 3:11 am. This went on for MONTHS. I just remember thinking about how crazy it was that it was at the same time every night…I racked my brain for months trying to think of what this could mean and one night, as he slept, I was overwhelmed once again by only one thought: GOD. The next day I text my mother-in-law and asked her if she could look up all the 3:11 scriptures in the Bible and tell me what they said. Her response: “Umm…do you know how many books are in the Bible?” Obviously, as I was not an avid reader of the Bible and, though I was more aware of God, I still didn’t really have a relationship with Him. So I did NOT know how many books were in the Bible. Instead of looking them up for me, she bought me my own Bible. As soon as I got it, I set to work looking up all the 3:11s…not all of them made sense or were relevant but there were a few that stuck out to me!

The first one was Ruth 3:11“And now, my daughter, do not be afraid. I will do for you all you ask. All the townsmen know that you are a woman of noble character.” With everything that I had been through by that time, this scripture brought tears to my eyes. It just showed me that no matter what anyone tried to say about me, the people would know the truth. 🙂 And it gave me such excitement about what else I would find it I kept looking. So on into the Bible I went.

The next one was it…the one that made this whole thing so amazing. It was 1 Samuel 3:11…before I tell you the scripture, I want to give you some background on the story of Samuel. In this story there was a older couple that had always wanted to have a child but never seemed to be able to. The mother, Hannah, prayed to God and begged for a son, saying that if she could just conceive one, then when he was old enough, she would send him to the church in service as a child of God. So God sent the couple a son, Samuel, and when he was old enough, Hannah stuck to her promise and sent him to live in the church. There, he had a mentor named Eli. One night, Samuel was woken from a sound sleep when he heard his name being called. So he ran into Eli’s room and said, “Here I am. You called me.” Eli said, “I did not call you. Go back and lie down.” This happened for the next two nights as well. On the third night, Eli realized that it was GOD calling to Samuel. He told Samuel to go back and lie down and if the Lord called him again, to say “Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.”

So to the important part…1 Samuel 3:11 was the moment that THE LORD SPOKE TO THE CHILD and the child knew it was God. And what did God say to him? – “And then the Lord spoke to Samuel: “See I am about to do something that will make the ears of everyone who hears of it tingle.” All I could think was, God is speaking to my son! And Lyric could hear Him! This was the moment I knew that God was reaching out to me. And He was waiting for me to hear and answer Him. I don’t know if you believe in signs but I feel like they are all around us and sometimes we just don’t see them because we are not opening our hearts to God. Open up…look and LISTEN, for He is trying to tell you something.

Of course this was the most important scripture I found that day…the game changer…the candle that lit my path to a growing relationship with God. This was the final seed from which the plant burst forth…and so began my journey 🙂

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But there is one other scripture I found that was also really interesting to me during this research.

Job 3:11: “Why did I not perish in the womb?” Story time again!

In January 2008, I discovered that I was pregnant…within those first two weeks, I went through the crazy whirlwind of emotions about having a baby and finally rested on “this is going to be one wild ride to a amazing end.” And I was happy 🙂 Then one morning, I woke up and went into the bathroom where I realized there was so much blood. My heart fell into my stomach and we went to the emergency room. I cried all the way there and the entire time we waited for the doctor. I just knew that there was no way the baby could still be okay. And I was devastated. Even after such a short time, a mother’s heart FEELS and the thought of losing that feeling was a blow that almost knocked me off my feet. After several hours of the doctors taking blood, searching for a heartbeat, and doing ultrasounds they could find nothing. They even told me I didn’t need a DNC because it looked like my body had already cleared everything out. I just sat there, feeling nothing. I was numb. I barely heard them tell me to come back in two days for follow up blood tests.

In two days, I came back and did more blood work. The nurse told me they would call me within 48 hours to come get my test results and the doctor would explain the findings. Longest 48 hours of my life. When I came back, the nurse gave me my results and she pointed at the paper next to a number: 11. She said, “I’m not supposed to tell you what your results say, the doctor will call and talk to you about it later, but this 11 next to HCG means that you are pregnant! :)” OMG WHAT?! Of course, this nurse didn’t know everything that had been going on so she didn’t understand the immediate excitement and tears at her news! But she was happy that I was so happy…so I left and called my family and let them know what she said and I thanked God so many times.

A couple hours later the doctor called me to tell me what my results said. I didn’t want to get the nurse in trouble so I just waited and let him explain it. But the words that followed hurt me that much more because of what the nurse had told me.

The baby was gone.

But how could this be true? The paper said there was HCG in my blood. But the doctor explained it to me as my heart broke all over again. Two days before, during my initial trip to the hospital, my HCG level had been up over 100, and now it was only 11. If it had stayed the same or gone up, that meant the baby was okay, but it was going down…the baby was gone.Teary eyed I hung up the phone and cried for weeks. It was a level of depression I had never felt before, like the whole world had come crashing down on me and I had no strength or desire to pick it back up.

8 weeks later, I was still bleeding (like a never-ending cycle) and I was experiencing nausea and fatigue and finally I couldn’t take it anymore and went back to the hospital. I explained to the doctor what had happened 2 months ago and that I thought maybe I was still pregnant and something was wrong. The doctor looked at me incredulously and told me that my medical records showed the baby had been miscarried (I’m sure he thought I was a complete crazy person). He said “if you were still pregnant, you would have to be at least 11 weeks pregnant and we would be able to hear a heartbeat.” “Ok,” I said, “let’s check for it then.” Again, he looked at me like I was a mad woman but he humored me and pulled out the equipment. He moved that little probe around on my stomach for what felt like forever…and THEN THERE IT WAS! A tiny little heartbeat!!! The doctor looked at me in amazement! Then he pulled out some paperwork and started to fill it out explaining that we needed to schedule an emergency ultrasound as soon as possible to see how far along I was and check on the baby. The ultrasound was scheduled for the following week and it was determined that I was 12 and a half weeks pregnant! 🙂 What a blessing…later we found out that I had been pregnant with TWINS and I had lost one of the babies that day. The doctor explained that because I had lost one that threw off the HCG balance in my blood during the testing.

So this scripture had a whole new meaning for me. Although both beautiful babies didn’t make it into the world, for some reason, God still gave me my miracle baby boy…the one who changed my whole path…redirected me…opened my eyes…

The one who gave me life

Lyric Cole

October 16, 2008

7 lbs 9 oz

21 and a quarter inches long

Lyric & Me

Lesson Learned: LISTEN…For He IS talking to you.

My sweet angel baby…

…who continues to touch the world…

…one act of love at a time!

Thank You God for blessings.

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Well that sucks.

We’re here today to talk about one of my least favorite things in life: INSECURITY.

It’s ugly…it hurts…it causes anxiety…and it can tear a relationship apart faster than anything else!

So first, let’s get into the causes: It can start as young as a few years old, from that moment that Daddy walked out and left the family and that little girl couldn’t understand what she did to make him go.

Or that day that a classmate called her fat and ugly when she was 13 and she wondered if maybe she really was…

or it can be caused by a cheating boyfriend or a two-faced girl friend when you’re 20 years old.

There is a range of things that can cause these issues but no matter the cause, the result is still just as ugly.

You’ll learn to live alone in a world of walls and darkness.

Luckily, I had an awesome daddy who made many sacrifices for me and my sisters and loved us and our mother! So no issues there…but as you read in one of my earlier blog posts, I was very shy and insecure girl in middle school. I was always afraid I would say something stupid and it was because I was made fun of! Add others pointing and laughing to your own doubts about your appearance and lack of knowledge on “how to be cool,” and you get one truly SILENT little girl. Then years later, add in cheating boyfriends, backstabbing girl friends and that silent girl becomes a very outspoken DON’T-MESS-WITH-ME girl! (which is not always a good thing)

I have an ex that was the mental abuse type…and actually it just started out with small things. One thing I will never forget early on in the relationship – He introduced me to some guys and girls that he’d been friends with for a long time. Me being the person I am, I was friendly and just chatted with them all the time when we would hang out with them. Then one day, when we got back home, he told me that the girls in the group were NOT my friends and that they didn’t even really like me that much. I kinda waved it off and I was like “they always talk to me, I’m sure it’s fine.” But he was persistent and moved to “they make fun of you when you’re not there, Brandi.” OUCH.

So I finally learn to come out of my shell and be myself…and then this happens.

Here is the part where I started to distance myself from others. I never confronted anyone about it, I just pulled back a little from the group and kinda stayed quiet when I was around them, really only giving input when someone said something to me. And it was fine. Everyone acted the same around me and didn’t really notice that I never really talked much with them.

 Sad, but hey, at least I wasn’t giving them anything extra to talk about. That was the first little seed he planted in the “let me tear down this girl’s self-esteem” flower pot.

Fast forward a few months, one day I came home to our apartment and he had left his Facebook account open on my laptop. UGH WHYYYYYY?! This situation almost NEVER results in anything good. And this was definitely NOT a reassuring experience. Of course, he had several conversations in his inbox with other women. It ranged from “Hey beautiful…thanks for the add. How are you?” (Yea…he was THAT guy) all the way to full blown sexual conversations that included comments like “So when will I get to meet you to make this happen?” REALLY, DUDE? On MY computer?? Yep. And the messages just went on and on…like are you just trying with ANY girl you see? Not to mention the few EX-GIRLFRIENDS that were mixed in amongst these convos. I guess he just wanted to increase his odds. Good Lord. It just made me wonder, if you could have ME easily (since I was constantly sitting at home waiting for you) then why was it that you would rather put in all this work to get THOSE females. Am I below THAT level of female? Really? Another seed…

And my heart became a little harder, a little colder, a little more closed off.

After that we broke up…but of course when you have that type of broken down mindset, you don’t stay away for long. So here I came, back again at the first sign that he “wanted to try.” And I thought, okay he gets it now…I’m not playing and he’ll be better this time. Right? WRONG.

We were back together and doing fine….a couple months in, I was just watching some tv, folding laundry…and a condom falls out of his pocket. First let me say, I was about 6 months pregnant around this time so obviously we were not in the business of safe sex. Apparently, we should’ve been. When I walked myself upstairs, condom in hand, he waved it off nonchalantly saying “That was from when we broke up.” umm…the breakup that lasted about TWO WEEKS! You wasted no time in moving on, did you?! Seed. He realized his mistake and covered it with a “I bought them just in case…I didn’t use any of them.” Okay…fine. I backed off because we’re supposed to be rebuilding now, right? I have to have some trust, right? And I can’t hold it against him if we weren’t even together…right?

So, a few more months in…

After so many accounts “accidentally left open,” (seed) phones left lying around, (seed) females approaching me with stories of his betrayal (seed, seed, SEED!) you start to wonder if it’s really an accident. He couldn’t possibly be THAT stupid. Or did he just want out? You start to spend all of your time wondering what he’s doing, what he’s thinking, how he feels, if he still loves you…It’ll drive you CRAZY. And of course, ask him about it and YOU’RE PSYCHO, you’re being paranoid, he doesn’t know if he wants to be with someone who can’t trust him. At this point you should just say “OK FINE. PLEASE GO!” but of course, we never do. It’s strange how quickly our anger turns to fear when a guy starts talking about leaving. And then all you can think is “what can I do to make him stay?” You start making excuses for yourself “I just love you so much, I’m afraid of what I’d do if I lost you.” “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again, it’s just these crazy pregnancy hormones.” And making excuses for him, lying to yourself… “He would never cheat on me, he loves me.” “We were fighting, it’s not his fault…I drove him to this.” “Maybe if I would’ve been more attentive, he wouldn’t have been going somewhere else for attention.” etc etc ETC! Ridiculous. smh. All that does is give him more ammo to use against you the next time. And he knows he has the upper hand so he just rubs your “paranoia” in your face a little longer, just to make sure you realize how close you were to losing him this time. That way, you’ll spend the next few days or months or YEARS trying to make it up to him and you will be much more hesitant to question him the next time a situation like this comes up. Hello, insecurity flower…he has succeeded.

  And yet we stay…

And you really allow him to convince you that YOU are the one that is wrong.

So move on down the line, issue after issue, the insecurity piled up, I was juggling school and work and pregnancy…the due date was closing in on me and my relationship was crumbling down around me. Finally, it was just too much for him…FOR HIM? lol…smh…yes. He decided to “end it.” Three weeks before the baby. To me, it was almost a sigh of relief (because I’ve never been good at breaking up with anyone). I’m just not the “I give up” type of girl. I always see so much potential in a person. But understand that potential is not always achieved. Especially if he doesn’t WANT to do better…and you don’t make him. So now came the time to find a new place to stay (since we lived together) so my very pregnant self started looking…while he was planning a trip with his friends (did anyone ever hear the story of the ants and the grasshopper?).

Whatever…his well being was no longer my problem. I found a few places but they had application fees to put down before you could be approved. So after about a week of looking, I finally narrowed it down to one. I had put a little money aside in the house for the baby so I went to get some for the application fee…and it was gone. GONE?! No answer to my call. How surprising. Did I mention that there are several things that go into immense insecurity and distrust?  He took MY money that was supposed to be for the BABY and used it to go on a trip with his friends? And that was it. The icing on the cake. Things would never be the same. He had now shown me that not only did he not care about me, but he also didn’t care about this baby growing inside of me.

Sadly, this is not the end of this horrible story. After the change, he realized I wasn’t going to be walked over anymore and he tried even harder to break me down any time he saw me. Long story short, the mental abuse continued and turned physical. And looking back at it all, I kept trying to figure out where I went wrong (yep, I was still blaming myself). What had I done to make him treat me this way? I wondered when I had lost his heart. How he could be so cold and uncaring and selfish. I became so angry and BITTER that one day I woke up and I didn’t even recognize myself. It was to the point that I didn’t do anything except go to work and school and come back home with my son. I didn’t have friends, I didn’t talk to family, I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. I had nothing nice to say so I just said nothing…

After a LONG while, I became so embarrassed that I had allowed him to affect my life so greatly. I allowed him to COMPLETELY change who I was as a person. I allowed him to take my smile. I had no life. And he was off somewhere living happily. He felt nothing like what I was feeling. At that moment I realized that his heart was never mine to lose.

Luckily for me.

 

It could’ve been a lot worse. Thankfully I never married him, I never had another child with him, and I was finally able to walk away and piece myself together. It took a long time…and a lot of heart work. It took that baby smiling up at me every morning, it took God and sooo much faith, it took me learning to trust the unknown, to carry my head high and keep going. God blessed me and my family with so many amazing things after that. Strength, stability, LOVE.

You can learn to overcome insecurity. Number one…do not stay with a person that is continuously doing things to make you feel insecure. Take some time for YOURSELF. Learn to love YOU and figure out what it is that YOU need. Open up to God…let Him heal you…let Him mold you…allow Him to make you into the WIFE that you will be for the right man. After that…yes, insecurity will still rear it’s ugly head from time to time, that’s just human nature. You can step outside and scream if you need to. But then pull yourself together. Don’t take your past and allow it to affect your present and future. When you see his phone sitting there, don’t pick it up. When he has to go somewhere without you, don’t spend your time wondering where he is or what he’s doing. When he doesn’t answer, don’t jump to conclusions. TRUST HIM.

I’m not saying to be stupid. When there is proof in your face, investigate. But don’t allow insecurity to drive you crazy! If you think about it, do you trust him? Do you feel like your heart is safe with him? Then let him LIVE. Don’t question his every move. And TALK TO HIM. Let him know what you’re worried about (without accusing him of all your fears and completely fabricated scenarios). Explain to him what he’s doing that makes you feel this way (or realize that he’s NOT doing ANYTHING to make you feel this way and maybe, just maybe it IS your past). Trust me, it’s a lot better to just ask him and talk about it then to allow your WILD imagination to dwell on it. The results will be much more like this

And a lot less like this

(which is what’s going to happen if you’re steady talking about how ugly, inadequate, worthless you are, checking his phone, questioning him, accusing him of cheating all the time, NEED I GO ON?!)

Also, stop posting all your problems on Facebook (because we all know that’s where the hoes are checking to see if there’s an opening for them to slide into your spot), love him…love YOURSELF…and stop WORRYING so much. If you respect and love yourself, you give others the opportunity to do the same. If it’s that hard to trust him, maybe you’re not supposed to be there. If that’s the case, then LET IT GO and move on! Happiness is out there waiting for you.

Lessons Learned: LOVE YOURSELF enough to know when it’s time to go. Do not allow someone to make you feel anything but beautiful.

And don’t bring your past into your present. Let that man LOVE YOU. He will…if you let him.