A moment of silence…

Is there ever a moment in this life that the world can be silent around you…?

That you can just stand still and be in the moment.

Alone with God.

Sometimes everything just seems so loud from every direction, overwhelming almost to the point of collapse.

It’s crazy when you find a person that you can literally tell EVERYTHING to…because in those moments you realize just how much of your life and your past you have tried to bury deep deep inside of you where it can’t hurt you. Things that have happened to you. Things you’ve allowed…or maybe just didn’t stop… or couldn’t. Words that have cut you to your CORE…and when some part of your brain realized the depth to which those statements and happenings rocked you, it wanted to protect you and your heart. To keep you from becoming the coldest type of person. That moment where you stood on your tiptoes at the brink of destruction because so much had happened for so long…the moment that could make you or break you into a thousand pieces that may have never found themselves back together again. So some part of you walked to the innermost pocket of your brain and tucked these thoughts away so that you could forget and go on with your daily life. Yes, it hurt…but part of you was able to forget at least for a little while.

But that moment when all of a sudden you feel so many words passing through your lips to the ears of another person…words that not a single soul has ever heard come from you…in that moment is when you realize that all the pain has always been there, eating away at you from deep inside, just yearning to break free and wreak havoc on the peace that you have been able to find through God. Satan is ALWAYS working…he is always chipping away at the wall you’ve built around those memories.

A part of you thinks, “this is stupid…there are so many people who have been through things that are 10x worse than what I’ve been through. It’s probably not even that big of a deal. Nobody’s going to care. Or maybe they won’t believe. Especially if they find out that I’ve been keeping it from them for so long. They’re just going to think I want pity or sympathy…or maybe just attention.” The worst part is that you tell yourself these things…and then you never talk about it and it continues to hurt you, that knife just twisting around deep inside that you can never pull out. Why? Because you never talk to anyone about it.

So is Satan the one who’s trying to break it out? Or is he the one convincing you to hold it in? So that it can slowly kill your spirit…dull your shine…tear you apart from way inside.

How do you fight something that comes from within you?

Some days I wish I could just stand on a beach, by myself, and be alone with God, just for a little while. To talk to Him…and just to listen.

God, I want to hear You.

Advertisements

For fear of being unaccepted…

The moment that you realize that there is not one single person on this Earth that knows EVERYTHING about you. And that you are unwilling to allow yourself to open up more because…why?¬†

Because you realize that you walk in fear of someone throwing your decisions back in your face…you remember what it was like for someone to judge you, to see the change in their eyes as they see you in a completely different light. You keep it all locked away so they will never know how afraid you are. And you don’t even understand that the fear of being unaccepted paralyzes you…traps you inside yourself…behind the facade of who you think they want you to be.

I have a writer’s heart.

I wake up with words playing over and over in my mind and my spirit.

Sometimes the feelings and words just pile up until some of them spill over and there isn’t much else you can do with them but put them on paper.

A part of loving yourself is learning to accept every decision you’ve made in life.

To love every step you’ve taken.

To understand what has made you grow into who you are.

And to use that information to  become a better version of yourself.

Until that day…there are notebooks full of unspoken words that the world will never see…

…For fear of being unaccepted…