Ok, stop now and we will pretend like this never happened…

So this blog post is inspired by things that make me uncomfortable. lol.

I feel like people will have to relate to at least SOME of these…

The first completely uncomfortable thing…people that drive right next to you for several miles because they’re trying to get you to look over at them…and then they do something awkward like blow a kiss or do the head nod like “what’s up?”

Umm…no.

I always wonder what they expect to happen at this point…? Do you think I’m going to pull over and give you all my contact information? Like honestly…WHAT?

So the other day I had to get something from Walmart and it was kind of late at night. Afterward, as I was putting my groceries in the car, this man was walking in the parking lot past my car…HAVING AN ENTIRE CONVERSATION WITH HIMSELF…angrily! At first I thought that maybe he was angry about something that happened in the store and was just kind of venting to himself. But when he ANSWERED himself (as if it was two different people talking to each other) yea…no. Totally changed the situation. I just kept putting my groceries away and pretended like I wasn’t there, then got in my car and rushed away! Lol crazy man.

When men that are old enough to be my father or my GRANDFATHER stare or make really forward comments in my direction…that is sooo uncomfortable! I always get stuck in the “should I be respectful of my elders?” or “should I let this man know he is disgusting and way too old to be talking to or LOOKING at me like that?” It’s especially awkward when they just stare at you and you look over at them, they SEE YOU see them staring, and they DON’T LOOK AWAY

At this point, I’m wondering if you’re staring at me because you just asked someone to slip something in my drink and you’re just waiting for me to pass out or what..? For all you grown men who put these rapist vibes out into the world every day…You’re creepy…Stop it.

Another thing…stop letting your little boys touch people! It is inappropriate! Teach them boundaries and when you SEE them touching people, correct them! One time several years ago, I was with a friend over at her cousin’s house. Her cousin had a young son, maybe 2 or 3 years old, who was literally ALL OVER ME. At first I thought he was just friendly (you know some kids just get really excited when new people come around). At one point, he touched my hair and then he wanted to sit on my lap. Okay cool…then he definitely was trying to cop a feel and I was like WHOA, slow down there, pal! No thank you…

All the while, his mother just sat there and had the audacity to LAUGH about this. Umm no…I was like well I don’t even know this girl so how do I tell her to parent her child, but REALLY? Needless to say, I got out of there asap.

This also goes for the people who are posting videos of kids twerking or little girls dancing up on little boys. That is DISGUSTING and it never ceases to amaze me the things that people thing are “adorable” today.  That is NOT cute.

So have you ever had a falling out with a close friend…and then seen her out somewhere? That moment where you don’t know whether to smile and wave, say hi and talk as if nothing’s wrong, or just act like you don’t see her and keep it moving. It’s really uncomfortable because (if she was ever your best friend) your first instinct is to be overjoyed, throw your arms around her and tell her how much you missed her! But at the same time, you’re still angry with her or hurt about something she did and part of you just wants to cry. So usually you just keep walking and act like your fine.

Or maybe you two are just irritated with each other but it’s not necessarily the END of your friendship. Maybe you’re in the “really, I am just so tired of you asking for my advice and NEVER taking it…then complaining forever about the sad outcome of doing the OPPOSITE of what I told you.” phase…and then one of your mutual friends decide to have a cookout and invite both of you…so you sit on opposite sides of the room and try to interact with the same people…while not interacting with each other. AWKWARD.

Or even worse…when you see her, you decide you’d rather be the bigger person and just go talk to her. So you walk over there and open your mouth to apologize when she says…

Okay…can it get any more uncomfortable?!

You know what I really never know how to handle? When a person starts pointing out all their flaws and they’re actually TRUE…what do you say to that??? “No, honey, you’re not fat. You’re just …umm…I mean it’s just…well…” *throws hands up*

No wait…what’s worse is when a girl goes on and on about how amazing her man is…when you know he’s running around behind her back…with the girl who sits two cubicles down…who is currently smiling and nodding at her in agreement. “Yes he is sooo wonderful! You’re such a lucky girl!”

When really on the inside she’s like…

Ugh…I can’t STAND that girl!

On a more serious note…open RACISM makes me uncomfortable…not that any racism is acceptable, but when a person is BLATANTLY racist and feels no remorse about showing it…that really takes me out of my comfort zone. I’m not going to go into MAJOR detail about that because this blog is NOT asking for more drama in the world. But just a short example…a few years ago a girl I worked with told me that her mother GAGS when she sees interracial couples walking together down the street. Umm…what? Another co-worker of ours overheard and told me that she is disgusted with interracial couples as well. I just kind of narrowed my eyes and looked at her like Excuse me?

She told me that she feels that you are born a certain color to date a certain color…Umm yea…let me just reiterate that so you can catch the seriousness….she feels that YOU ARE BORN A CERTAIN COLOR TO DATE A CERTAIN COLOR. People of different colors should not mix. I battled on whether to even respond (since I was in my workplace) but I landed on this response, “In case you don’t realize it, I am the product of an interracial couple, as is my CHILD. My parents were not two different SPECIES, they just happened to be white and brown. I don’t understand how you can be DISGUSTED with interracial couples. It’s not like it’s a person and a dog or something…they are simply two people who fell in love.” She said, “Well that’s just how I was raised so it’s how I feel.” I said, “well just so you know, you have parents and then you have yourself…parents can tell you things and you take them into consideration and THEN when you grow up and learn about the world around you, you can make your OWN decisions. That is how CHANGE happens.” After which, I walked away so that I could drop the issue. SMH.

Okay one last one…when you’re with a group of friends in the middle of a debate, and your best friend says something that you completely do NOT agree with. But to admit that would mean that you’re siding with your other friends (who have taken the opposing view of you and your best friend). How do you say that you do NOT agree with what she just said, without sounding like you disagree with EVERYTHING she just said? I always hate that because I’m like “NOOOO! NO! Don’t say that! That ruins the whole argument!” or “That’s not even relevant! Come on, we’ve got to keep the upper hand in this debate!” lol It’s even worse when she looks over at you for support but you just know you disagree…and so does everyone else. I just sit there like “welp, I’m not even going to comment on that part.”

Lessons learned: It’s okay to have your own opinion.

If you’re not sure what to say, always try your hardest NOT to hurt someone’s feelings.

If strange men stare at you in a creepy way, RUN AWAY! And don’t drink anything.

Tell that girl that her son knows way too much and she better watch out before she becomes 30 year old grandma!

Do NOT trust Haley Too-Happy that sits two cubicles down… (-_-)

When you see your friend, if you still feel any remaining love for her, smile…whether you plan to stop and talk or not.

Don’t let close-minded people affect you negatively…ever.

That awkward moment when…

So I felt like having a good laugh today and decided to do a spin off from my bestie’s blog post 🙂 These might not necessarily be awkward moments that you’ve personally experienced but I thought I’d share them anyway.

Enjoy all these embarrassing (and somehow still funny) moments in my life 🙂

That awkward moment when your boyfriend’s mom sneaks out of her room and catches you guys with his hand up your skirt…yep…to this day it is still one of the most mortifying moments of my life. UGH…so freaking embarrassing!

Brandon: “her door squeaks really loud…we’ll hear her if she comes out.”

(see, he’s always been the bad one! 😉 )

Yea well, she’s def a super spy because she snuck up on us with a quickness!

“GET OUT OF THAT ROOM RIGHT NOW!”

My immediate thoughts: “Oh Lord, my life is over. I can never look her in the eye again…smh, Brandon, it was nice knowing you…”

Then he went in her room to talk to her and I could hear her talking about sex outside of marriage and Brandon was saying “Mom, we don’t have sex! We’re both virgins!” Her response: “There are different forms of sex! What was her hand doing?!”

OH MY GOODNESS…if you don’t feel completely mortified right now, then you’re lucky…because I just wanted to melt into the wall and disappear.

The worst part was that she made us sit on the couch in silence FOREVER while she sat on the other couch brooding over what to do with us. Yep…definitely awkward moments. And to this day she makes fun of me for it and thinks it’s funny to bring it up with my friends and joke on me. (-___-)

Next subject please

That awkward moment when you talk in your sleep…

So I hate Kung Fu movies right, (especially when they’re subtitled) so my husband always used to wait until I was asleep and then he would watch them. One night he was watching one while I was asleep and out of nowhere I said loudly, “NO!” as if in response to something. My husband said he leaned over me to see if I was awake but I was fast asleep and the funniest part about it: One of the characters had just asked (in CHINESE) “Do you think I care about your family???” (or something to that affect)…so to this day, my husband makes fun of me and says that apparently I can speak Chinese in my sleep. lol!

Another moment of sleep talking occurred not too long ago! Last week I was sleeping and my husband was watching a movie next to me. Apparently I felt the need to talk to him and he (being the WONDERFUL HUSBAND that he is) decided to record the conversation this time. So I’m speaking, in complete sentences (and in English lol) but the things I’m saying make absolutely no sense. From what I recall, I was upset because I wasn’t able to post “spaghetti comments” on Facebook bc they were too long and they wouldn’t give me the tools to do it.

Even more awkward, I didn’t know anything about it at all until the next day when he just started playing it and laughing his behind off! Not only was I not making any sense but he was laughing at me through the entire conversation, and at one point I repeated what I said, got mad at myself bc I realized it didn’t make any sense and then proceeded to say “That is NOT what I said.” The recording ended with me saying “just be quiet and stop recording me.” then repeatedly saying “Sssshhh. sssshhh” whenever he tried to keep talking to me, then finally just “Brandon, I said BE QUIET.”

That awkward moment when even YOU realize that you’re not making any sense.

That awkward moment when you’re under the influence and sing a few notes of a song, then a couple minutes later, your friend sings those few notes CORRECTLY and you realize how horribly you just sang them. My response: “Whoa I was way off…” And she laughed hysterically. I don’t think that either of us realized how off I was until she sang it correctly and the fact that I was the one to point out my mistake was the hilarious part. If only I had it on tape to share with you all…

That awkward moment (for him) when you turn down a guy before he even tries and he never lives it down.

So a few years ago, my best friend’s good friend liked me (did you follow that? a guy friend of my girl friend…anyway). He used to always hang out with us though because he was her really good friend. One night we were all hanging out at my house, had a few drinks, and he needed a ride home. My best friend had had a few too many to drive and I was the only one who had a car there. *sigh* why do people put me in these predicaments??? My friend stayed home with my son while I gave him a ride home.

So a few minutes of awkward conversation later, we made it to his house.

*Pulls up to the house*

Me: “Ok bye! See you later!”

Him: “Can I get a hug or something?”

Me: “You’re not going to try to kiss me are you?”

My immediate feeling was “OMG what did I just say??”

And from what I remember, I think maybe he tried to laugh it off…but he probably felt more like

And my best friend has made fun of him ever since!

smh

The moments I feel like a horrible person.

Okay so those were a few of my embarrassing moments!

Maybe I’ll post another blog like this from time to time just for a good laugh. haha

Lessons learned: Don’t try to sneak around…you WILL get caught.

Don’t drink and try to SING…

…or talk to a guy that likes you.

Also just don’t let your husband have a phone…or any other type of recording device. (-_-) lol

You gave me life.

I was struggling trying to figure out what I wanted to write about next. Then I was driving home from work the other day and had the most AMAZING worship session I’ve had in a long time. Sometimes just being in the car on your own, just you, God, and the music, it’s wonderful. No distractions, no worries, just singing along and thinking about all the things you have to praise God for.  And then you get THAT FEELING. Do you know what I’m talking about? That overwhelming, deep down in your soul, GOD feeling. It takes over and you are so overcome with peace and strength and joy. When you feel that you realize just how much more often you are STRESSED than calm. The world will do that to you…so just remember where you came from and remember that YOU HAVE A PURPOSE. Don’t worry if you’ve made some wrong decisions in the past…You do not have the power to ruin God’s plan for your life. You may make decisions that take you a little off course from time to time but understand that you will always reach your destination in the end. Have you ever been using GPS and made a wrong turn? What happened? “Re-routing…” and you were one your way again! So never fear…He is still working in your life.

With that being said, I know what I want to write about today!

Lyric Cole…the one who changed my life.

For those of you who don’t know, I got pregnant outside of wedlock. I was not married and as I stated in my pregnancy blog, by the time my son was born I was a full-on single mother. I didn’t even know what it was to have a relationship with God nor did I really know much about God at all. I would pray from time to time but it was more like an afterthought and I didn’t really ever think anything would result from it. I didn’t know I was supposed to have faith…honestly I felt that if you were a good person, you were going to heaven. Boy, how wrong I was.

Bear with me because this may sound cliché but when my son was born, when they placed that little baby on my chest, something inside me changed and I just cried. It didn’t just move ME either…there was a medical student who had requested to be in the room and this was her first time seeing a baby be born…when I looked up, she was standing a few feet away with tears streaming down her face, too. She walked forward and thanked me for allowing her to be a part of such a special moment and left. There was just SOMETHING that happened that day…it was the first time I felt THAT feeling and I didn’t even know how to describe it or what it was. I just remember being flooded with one overwhelming thought: GOD… and the feeling of love that washed over me was like no other feeling I had ever had before. I looked up at my mom with tears in my eyes and said, “Mom, I feel like God has touched my baby.” Like I said, I had no prior connection to God, I was just a “send up an occasional prayer request” type person. But God knew what he was doing and that day…a seed was planted.

Lyric

Fast forward about 6 months…the first time I ever took Lyric to church. I don’t know what made me go that day but I’m glad that I did. I went with my (now) mother-in-law (who has always shown such a strong faith and obedience to God and has also been an instrumental part of guiding me back to God). She is my witness…when we carried Lyric into the church that day, before we could even see the people, Lyric heard that music and immediately got so still, lifted his hand and looked upward. He stayed there so still for so long I was able to take a picture. When I looked at that picture, there was a light that seemed to focus on his upturned face and that sweet little baby hand. How he knew to do that, I still have no idea…but the awe on his innocent baby face told me all I needed to know…

He was HOME.

Lyric - God

And another seed was planted. I am so thankful that the seeds were GODLY this time!

Skip ahead another 6 months or so, Lyric was a little over one year old. He was now sleeping his own room…well TECHNICALLY…but both of us were on the couch together pretty much ALL NIGHT every night. Lyric woke up every single hour every night to eat. He had been like this since he was born. Needless to say, it had been one of the most EXHAUSTING years of my life. I used to look at my friends with older kids and wonder how they ever survived this.

One night out of nowhere, Lyric did not wake up for several hours…I remember waking up once, checking the clock and thinking “Oh THANK GOD, sleep!” After the second time I woke up, I sat up quickly, all grogginess washed away in an instant by a mother’s fear! OMG what if something was wrong?! So I rushed into his room to check on him but there he was, in his bed sleeping like an angel baby. 🙂

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So I kissed his forehead and went back to bed. A few more hours passed with both of us sleeping peacefully. Lyric only woke up one time that night. In the morning I felt so rested and thought wow…what a lucky night! But it proved to be something so much more than luck.

From that night forward, Lyric woke up only once a night, AT THE SAME EXACT TIME every night. 3:11 am. This went on for MONTHS. I just remember thinking about how crazy it was that it was at the same time every night…I racked my brain for months trying to think of what this could mean and one night, as he slept, I was overwhelmed once again by only one thought: GOD. The next day I text my mother-in-law and asked her if she could look up all the 3:11 scriptures in the Bible and tell me what they said. Her response: “Umm…do you know how many books are in the Bible?” Obviously, as I was not an avid reader of the Bible and, though I was more aware of God, I still didn’t really have a relationship with Him. So I did NOT know how many books were in the Bible. Instead of looking them up for me, she bought me my own Bible. As soon as I got it, I set to work looking up all the 3:11s…not all of them made sense or were relevant but there were a few that stuck out to me!

The first one was Ruth 3:11“And now, my daughter, do not be afraid. I will do for you all you ask. All the townsmen know that you are a woman of noble character.” With everything that I had been through by that time, this scripture brought tears to my eyes. It just showed me that no matter what anyone tried to say about me, the people would know the truth. 🙂 And it gave me such excitement about what else I would find it I kept looking. So on into the Bible I went.

The next one was it…the one that made this whole thing so amazing. It was 1 Samuel 3:11…before I tell you the scripture, I want to give you some background on the story of Samuel. In this story there was a older couple that had always wanted to have a child but never seemed to be able to. The mother, Hannah, prayed to God and begged for a son, saying that if she could just conceive one, then when he was old enough, she would send him to the church in service as a child of God. So God sent the couple a son, Samuel, and when he was old enough, Hannah stuck to her promise and sent him to live in the church. There, he had a mentor named Eli. One night, Samuel was woken from a sound sleep when he heard his name being called. So he ran into Eli’s room and said, “Here I am. You called me.” Eli said, “I did not call you. Go back and lie down.” This happened for the next two nights as well. On the third night, Eli realized that it was GOD calling to Samuel. He told Samuel to go back and lie down and if the Lord called him again, to say “Speak, Lord, for your servant is listening.”

So to the important part…1 Samuel 3:11 was the moment that THE LORD SPOKE TO THE CHILD and the child knew it was God. And what did God say to him? – “And then the Lord spoke to Samuel: “See I am about to do something that will make the ears of everyone who hears of it tingle.” All I could think was, God is speaking to my son! And Lyric could hear Him! This was the moment I knew that God was reaching out to me. And He was waiting for me to hear and answer Him. I don’t know if you believe in signs but I feel like they are all around us and sometimes we just don’t see them because we are not opening our hearts to God. Open up…look and LISTEN, for He is trying to tell you something.

Of course this was the most important scripture I found that day…the game changer…the candle that lit my path to a growing relationship with God. This was the final seed from which the plant burst forth…and so began my journey 🙂

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But there is one other scripture I found that was also really interesting to me during this research.

Job 3:11: “Why did I not perish in the womb?” Story time again!

In January 2008, I discovered that I was pregnant…within those first two weeks, I went through the crazy whirlwind of emotions about having a baby and finally rested on “this is going to be one wild ride to a amazing end.” And I was happy 🙂 Then one morning, I woke up and went into the bathroom where I realized there was so much blood. My heart fell into my stomach and we went to the emergency room. I cried all the way there and the entire time we waited for the doctor. I just knew that there was no way the baby could still be okay. And I was devastated. Even after such a short time, a mother’s heart FEELS and the thought of losing that feeling was a blow that almost knocked me off my feet. After several hours of the doctors taking blood, searching for a heartbeat, and doing ultrasounds they could find nothing. They even told me I didn’t need a DNC because it looked like my body had already cleared everything out. I just sat there, feeling nothing. I was numb. I barely heard them tell me to come back in two days for follow up blood tests.

In two days, I came back and did more blood work. The nurse told me they would call me within 48 hours to come get my test results and the doctor would explain the findings. Longest 48 hours of my life. When I came back, the nurse gave me my results and she pointed at the paper next to a number: 11. She said, “I’m not supposed to tell you what your results say, the doctor will call and talk to you about it later, but this 11 next to HCG means that you are pregnant! :)” OMG WHAT?! Of course, this nurse didn’t know everything that had been going on so she didn’t understand the immediate excitement and tears at her news! But she was happy that I was so happy…so I left and called my family and let them know what she said and I thanked God so many times.

A couple hours later the doctor called me to tell me what my results said. I didn’t want to get the nurse in trouble so I just waited and let him explain it. But the words that followed hurt me that much more because of what the nurse had told me.

The baby was gone.

But how could this be true? The paper said there was HCG in my blood. But the doctor explained it to me as my heart broke all over again. Two days before, during my initial trip to the hospital, my HCG level had been up over 100, and now it was only 11. If it had stayed the same or gone up, that meant the baby was okay, but it was going down…the baby was gone.Teary eyed I hung up the phone and cried for weeks. It was a level of depression I had never felt before, like the whole world had come crashing down on me and I had no strength or desire to pick it back up.

8 weeks later, I was still bleeding (like a never-ending cycle) and I was experiencing nausea and fatigue and finally I couldn’t take it anymore and went back to the hospital. I explained to the doctor what had happened 2 months ago and that I thought maybe I was still pregnant and something was wrong. The doctor looked at me incredulously and told me that my medical records showed the baby had been miscarried (I’m sure he thought I was a complete crazy person). He said “if you were still pregnant, you would have to be at least 11 weeks pregnant and we would be able to hear a heartbeat.” “Ok,” I said, “let’s check for it then.” Again, he looked at me like I was a mad woman but he humored me and pulled out the equipment. He moved that little probe around on my stomach for what felt like forever…and THEN THERE IT WAS! A tiny little heartbeat!!! The doctor looked at me in amazement! Then he pulled out some paperwork and started to fill it out explaining that we needed to schedule an emergency ultrasound as soon as possible to see how far along I was and check on the baby. The ultrasound was scheduled for the following week and it was determined that I was 12 and a half weeks pregnant! 🙂 What a blessing…later we found out that I had been pregnant with TWINS and I had lost one of the babies that day. The doctor explained that because I had lost one that threw off the HCG balance in my blood during the testing.

So this scripture had a whole new meaning for me. Although both beautiful babies didn’t make it into the world, for some reason, God still gave me my miracle baby boy…the one who changed my whole path…redirected me…opened my eyes…

The one who gave me life

Lyric Cole

October 16, 2008

7 lbs 9 oz

21 and a quarter inches long

Lyric & Me

Lesson Learned: LISTEN…For He IS talking to you.

My sweet angel baby…

…who continues to touch the world…

…one act of love at a time!

Thank You God for blessings.

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Well that sucks.

We’re here today to talk about one of my least favorite things in life: INSECURITY.

It’s ugly…it hurts…it causes anxiety…and it can tear a relationship apart faster than anything else!

So first, let’s get into the causes: It can start as young as a few years old, from that moment that Daddy walked out and left the family and that little girl couldn’t understand what she did to make him go.

Or that day that a classmate called her fat and ugly when she was 13 and she wondered if maybe she really was…

or it can be caused by a cheating boyfriend or a two-faced girl friend when you’re 20 years old.

There is a range of things that can cause these issues but no matter the cause, the result is still just as ugly.

You’ll learn to live alone in a world of walls and darkness.

Luckily, I had an awesome daddy who made many sacrifices for me and my sisters and loved us and our mother! So no issues there…but as you read in one of my earlier blog posts, I was very shy and insecure girl in middle school. I was always afraid I would say something stupid and it was because I was made fun of! Add others pointing and laughing to your own doubts about your appearance and lack of knowledge on “how to be cool,” and you get one truly SILENT little girl. Then years later, add in cheating boyfriends, backstabbing girl friends and that silent girl becomes a very outspoken DON’T-MESS-WITH-ME girl! (which is not always a good thing)

I have an ex that was the mental abuse type…and actually it just started out with small things. One thing I will never forget early on in the relationship – He introduced me to some guys and girls that he’d been friends with for a long time. Me being the person I am, I was friendly and just chatted with them all the time when we would hang out with them. Then one day, when we got back home, he told me that the girls in the group were NOT my friends and that they didn’t even really like me that much. I kinda waved it off and I was like “they always talk to me, I’m sure it’s fine.” But he was persistent and moved to “they make fun of you when you’re not there, Brandi.” OUCH.

So I finally learn to come out of my shell and be myself…and then this happens.

Here is the part where I started to distance myself from others. I never confronted anyone about it, I just pulled back a little from the group and kinda stayed quiet when I was around them, really only giving input when someone said something to me. And it was fine. Everyone acted the same around me and didn’t really notice that I never really talked much with them.

 Sad, but hey, at least I wasn’t giving them anything extra to talk about. That was the first little seed he planted in the “let me tear down this girl’s self-esteem” flower pot.

Fast forward a few months, one day I came home to our apartment and he had left his Facebook account open on my laptop. UGH WHYYYYYY?! This situation almost NEVER results in anything good. And this was definitely NOT a reassuring experience. Of course, he had several conversations in his inbox with other women. It ranged from “Hey beautiful…thanks for the add. How are you?” (Yea…he was THAT guy) all the way to full blown sexual conversations that included comments like “So when will I get to meet you to make this happen?” REALLY, DUDE? On MY computer?? Yep. And the messages just went on and on…like are you just trying with ANY girl you see? Not to mention the few EX-GIRLFRIENDS that were mixed in amongst these convos. I guess he just wanted to increase his odds. Good Lord. It just made me wonder, if you could have ME easily (since I was constantly sitting at home waiting for you) then why was it that you would rather put in all this work to get THOSE females. Am I below THAT level of female? Really? Another seed…

And my heart became a little harder, a little colder, a little more closed off.

After that we broke up…but of course when you have that type of broken down mindset, you don’t stay away for long. So here I came, back again at the first sign that he “wanted to try.” And I thought, okay he gets it now…I’m not playing and he’ll be better this time. Right? WRONG.

We were back together and doing fine….a couple months in, I was just watching some tv, folding laundry…and a condom falls out of his pocket. First let me say, I was about 6 months pregnant around this time so obviously we were not in the business of safe sex. Apparently, we should’ve been. When I walked myself upstairs, condom in hand, he waved it off nonchalantly saying “That was from when we broke up.” umm…the breakup that lasted about TWO WEEKS! You wasted no time in moving on, did you?! Seed. He realized his mistake and covered it with a “I bought them just in case…I didn’t use any of them.” Okay…fine. I backed off because we’re supposed to be rebuilding now, right? I have to have some trust, right? And I can’t hold it against him if we weren’t even together…right?

So, a few more months in…

After so many accounts “accidentally left open,” (seed) phones left lying around, (seed) females approaching me with stories of his betrayal (seed, seed, SEED!) you start to wonder if it’s really an accident. He couldn’t possibly be THAT stupid. Or did he just want out? You start to spend all of your time wondering what he’s doing, what he’s thinking, how he feels, if he still loves you…It’ll drive you CRAZY. And of course, ask him about it and YOU’RE PSYCHO, you’re being paranoid, he doesn’t know if he wants to be with someone who can’t trust him. At this point you should just say “OK FINE. PLEASE GO!” but of course, we never do. It’s strange how quickly our anger turns to fear when a guy starts talking about leaving. And then all you can think is “what can I do to make him stay?” You start making excuses for yourself “I just love you so much, I’m afraid of what I’d do if I lost you.” “I’m sorry, I won’t do it again, it’s just these crazy pregnancy hormones.” And making excuses for him, lying to yourself… “He would never cheat on me, he loves me.” “We were fighting, it’s not his fault…I drove him to this.” “Maybe if I would’ve been more attentive, he wouldn’t have been going somewhere else for attention.” etc etc ETC! Ridiculous. smh. All that does is give him more ammo to use against you the next time. And he knows he has the upper hand so he just rubs your “paranoia” in your face a little longer, just to make sure you realize how close you were to losing him this time. That way, you’ll spend the next few days or months or YEARS trying to make it up to him and you will be much more hesitant to question him the next time a situation like this comes up. Hello, insecurity flower…he has succeeded.

  And yet we stay…

And you really allow him to convince you that YOU are the one that is wrong.

So move on down the line, issue after issue, the insecurity piled up, I was juggling school and work and pregnancy…the due date was closing in on me and my relationship was crumbling down around me. Finally, it was just too much for him…FOR HIM? lol…smh…yes. He decided to “end it.” Three weeks before the baby. To me, it was almost a sigh of relief (because I’ve never been good at breaking up with anyone). I’m just not the “I give up” type of girl. I always see so much potential in a person. But understand that potential is not always achieved. Especially if he doesn’t WANT to do better…and you don’t make him. So now came the time to find a new place to stay (since we lived together) so my very pregnant self started looking…while he was planning a trip with his friends (did anyone ever hear the story of the ants and the grasshopper?).

Whatever…his well being was no longer my problem. I found a few places but they had application fees to put down before you could be approved. So after about a week of looking, I finally narrowed it down to one. I had put a little money aside in the house for the baby so I went to get some for the application fee…and it was gone. GONE?! No answer to my call. How surprising. Did I mention that there are several things that go into immense insecurity and distrust?  He took MY money that was supposed to be for the BABY and used it to go on a trip with his friends? And that was it. The icing on the cake. Things would never be the same. He had now shown me that not only did he not care about me, but he also didn’t care about this baby growing inside of me.

Sadly, this is not the end of this horrible story. After the change, he realized I wasn’t going to be walked over anymore and he tried even harder to break me down any time he saw me. Long story short, the mental abuse continued and turned physical. And looking back at it all, I kept trying to figure out where I went wrong (yep, I was still blaming myself). What had I done to make him treat me this way? I wondered when I had lost his heart. How he could be so cold and uncaring and selfish. I became so angry and BITTER that one day I woke up and I didn’t even recognize myself. It was to the point that I didn’t do anything except go to work and school and come back home with my son. I didn’t have friends, I didn’t talk to family, I didn’t want anyone to see me like this. I had nothing nice to say so I just said nothing…

After a LONG while, I became so embarrassed that I had allowed him to affect my life so greatly. I allowed him to COMPLETELY change who I was as a person. I allowed him to take my smile. I had no life. And he was off somewhere living happily. He felt nothing like what I was feeling. At that moment I realized that his heart was never mine to lose.

Luckily for me.

 

It could’ve been a lot worse. Thankfully I never married him, I never had another child with him, and I was finally able to walk away and piece myself together. It took a long time…and a lot of heart work. It took that baby smiling up at me every morning, it took God and sooo much faith, it took me learning to trust the unknown, to carry my head high and keep going. God blessed me and my family with so many amazing things after that. Strength, stability, LOVE.

You can learn to overcome insecurity. Number one…do not stay with a person that is continuously doing things to make you feel insecure. Take some time for YOURSELF. Learn to love YOU and figure out what it is that YOU need. Open up to God…let Him heal you…let Him mold you…allow Him to make you into the WIFE that you will be for the right man. After that…yes, insecurity will still rear it’s ugly head from time to time, that’s just human nature. You can step outside and scream if you need to. But then pull yourself together. Don’t take your past and allow it to affect your present and future. When you see his phone sitting there, don’t pick it up. When he has to go somewhere without you, don’t spend your time wondering where he is or what he’s doing. When he doesn’t answer, don’t jump to conclusions. TRUST HIM.

I’m not saying to be stupid. When there is proof in your face, investigate. But don’t allow insecurity to drive you crazy! If you think about it, do you trust him? Do you feel like your heart is safe with him? Then let him LIVE. Don’t question his every move. And TALK TO HIM. Let him know what you’re worried about (without accusing him of all your fears and completely fabricated scenarios). Explain to him what he’s doing that makes you feel this way (or realize that he’s NOT doing ANYTHING to make you feel this way and maybe, just maybe it IS your past). Trust me, it’s a lot better to just ask him and talk about it then to allow your WILD imagination to dwell on it. The results will be much more like this

And a lot less like this

(which is what’s going to happen if you’re steady talking about how ugly, inadequate, worthless you are, checking his phone, questioning him, accusing him of cheating all the time, NEED I GO ON?!)

Also, stop posting all your problems on Facebook (because we all know that’s where the hoes are checking to see if there’s an opening for them to slide into your spot), love him…love YOURSELF…and stop WORRYING so much. If you respect and love yourself, you give others the opportunity to do the same. If it’s that hard to trust him, maybe you’re not supposed to be there. If that’s the case, then LET IT GO and move on! Happiness is out there waiting for you.

Lessons Learned: LOVE YOURSELF enough to know when it’s time to go. Do not allow someone to make you feel anything but beautiful.

And don’t bring your past into your present. Let that man LOVE YOU. He will…if you let him.

On Another Note…

So let’s take a break from that topic for a while and just discuss some other things. Hmm…

Ok…that moment when you realize you haven’t had a visit from Mother Nature in quite some time…but no wait…it hasn’t been that long, has it? *checks calendar* OMG!!! I’M LATE! So what’s your first thought? Probably one of the following: “OMG, how did this happen?!” “My parents are going to be so disappointed!” “Oh Lord what is my boyfriend going to think (or that random guy you might have slept with that one night after you had too many drinks…oh wait…or was it THAT guy??) I kid, I kid…or do I? Hey, one never knows in this day and age. Smh. Leaving all the moral issues aside (because you probably don’t want to be lectured about my views on sexual morality or how to practice safe sex lol) No need for that…I’ll just leave this here…

safeOr if HE did…

Onto the second thought…”OMG I AM SO SCARED! I’m not ready to be a mom! I don’t know anything about this! WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH A BABY?!”

It is one of the scariest moments in a woman’s life…then she spends the next two weeks stressing over being pregnant, then trying to convince herself that she is NOT pregnant until finally the suspense is too much and she goes to buy a test. And here is the SECOND scariest moment in a woman’s life. That TWO WHOLE MINUTES that you must wait for the test results to completely come through.

Then one of two things happens…

#1 – the test is negative and there is a HUGE sigh of relief followed by an intense feeling of sadness (because by this point, you’ve already somewhat convinced yourself that having a baby wouldn’t be so bad after all.)

Or #2 – the test is POSITIVE and you go through that ridiculous emotional roller coaster all over again (repeat emotional response number 1 for 5 minutes) followed by 10 minutes of complete and utter silence while you try to sort through this.

The hardest part is when you are unsure that the father will be excited about this news. So there’s a whole entire dialogue you have with yourself about this…trying to guess what he will say, trying to figure out how you will respond, being terrified that he’s going to walk away, hoping that he’ll stay. He could totally freak…or he could have nothing to say and honestly, either one could be TERRIFYING right now! You always think about how careless you were and the fact that it’s not just HIS fault that you’re in this situation. You know how they always say that hindsight is 20/20? Yea…this is one of those situations where you think SO much more clearly after the fact. But hey, let’s go ahead and put this out there…there are some men that would be totally ELATED to find out they’re going to be a father!

At the same time, I want to be realistic with you and say that it usually takes the father a lot longer to come around and be okay with the idea of bringing a child into this world. There are the guys that will slowly drift out of your life or IMMEDIATELY run away! Don’t return your phone calls, stop coming around…

And then there are some guys who will totally fake it til they make it because the last thing they want to do is see you stressing and feeling like you’re facing this alone. They’re totally freaking on the inside, wondering if they can convince you to get rid of the baby (a thought that most women do not even consider an option), thinking that you could still lose it at this point so they don’t have to accept it just yet, and thinking about having to admit that they too got caught up in the moment (even though they thought this would never happen to them). But for the most part, sadly, this conversation usually ends with the woman looking like this…

Even having to say the words, “I’M PREGNANT” can result in severe anxiety but DO NOT BE AFRAID! YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! Before you get upset, first take a moment to realize that you have now had several weeks to come to terms with the possibility of a baby, whereas the father has only JUST found out (remember your reaction? The whirlwind of emotions you went through when you were freaking out? …be patient with him) If that man really loves you, he will be there. You guys will experience a tumult of stress, emotion, anger, denial, fear, and fighting but you can get through it if you’re both in it for the long hall!

So if it was scenario #1, then the moment is over. Nothing more to say about that but WRAP IT UP.

Scenario #2 though…man…you’re in for a wild ride!

The scaries: Morning sickness, weight gain, dehydration, anemia, possible birth defects or disorders, balancing work, school, relationship, and maybe other children all while consistently gaining weight and trying to keep your emotions in check. Being pregnant is HARD! You have to watch what you eat (while your body screams at you to eat EVERYTHING!…only to refuse it all and you end up hugging the toilet harder than you did last New Year’s Eve!)

So if you’re so sick all the time, how is it that you’ve gained 7 lbs in just a week and a half?! Now your pants don’t button anymore, your feet have swollen to the size of two small watermelons and you’re embarrassed to wear anything that doesn’t swallow your ever-thickening thighs. Hey…that’s PREGNANCY for you! Until you get to the point that you just don’t care anymore…you wake up and say (OUT LOUD) “Hey world, in case you didn’t realize it by this point, I’m fat and pregnant. Who cares anymore.” You can’t reach your legs to shave them (Hey honey, one day I’m going to have to ask you to help me with that), what’s the point in wearing makeup because you’re just going to sweat it off anyway, and you have to put your tennis shoes on before you get out of bed (because your feet won’t even fit in them by noon)!

But it’s okay, I promise. These things are definitely irritating enough to make you wonder why people ever decide to do this more than once…then you hear that heartbeat. And you see that little foot on the monitor. And the ultrasound tech tells you that this week, your baby’s ears have developed and he/she is falling in love with the sound of mommy’s voice singing while she gets ready in the morning. Or that first time you see Daddy put his hand on your belly and say hello…then you feel that little kick responding back. If your heart doesn’t melt, if you don’t get a little tear in your eye, then you have some sort of magic power of resistance (and I need you to bottle that up and sell it to the woman who keeps getting pregnant over and over and “just doesn’t know how it keeps happening?”)

Oh there’s just NO way, huh? You can’t think of ANY REASON that you keep getting pregnant? None at all?

Haha…oh ok…moving on. You’re going to get bigger, you’re going to be exhausted, most women will get stretch marks, but guess what…YOU ARE GROWING A PERSON! Does that not excite you? When I first saw my belly moving literally my first thought was, “Oh my goodness…this is amazing…how can anyone NOT believe in God?”

As you all know, my husband is my son’s father, but he is not my son’s biological father. And yet, one of the sweetest, most memorable moments in my life involved him and that moving belly of mine. As I stated in my last blog, there was SO much more to discuss in the relationship category. One thing I did not discuss with you yet is that after my high school sweetheart and I broke up, there was a 2 and a half year time period in which we did not see each other or talk at all. We moved on and dated other people. The guy that I dated resulted in the huge pregnant belly and watermelon feet! haha… He also was NOT the guy who stuck it out and stayed by my side. But we’ll just leave that topic alone.

Back to the good stuff. When I DID run into my high school sweetheart again, I was VERY far along in my pregnancy. Needless to say, I was at the “I don’t care what I look like anymore, I get a pass because I’M PREGNANT” phase lol. But…surprisingly…when he looked at me for the first time in years, I felt like the most beautiful woman in the world. I don’t know how he did it, or if he even meant to do it, but when he looked at me that way, I just wanted to cry. I felt like no matter what I had gone through during that pregnancy, everything was going to be okay.

 Ok THAT was not even the sweetest moment I referred to earlier…nope…how can it get sweeter? Let me tell you! I saw him almost every day after that. We would just sit on a bench in the middle of a courtyard at school and just talk about anything…the weather, the game last night, classes, just whatever. One time he just looked over at me and said “I don’t know what I was doing the last two years…” This situation was so simple and beautiful and so extremely complicated at the same time. Sometimes, he would just act like nothing had changed…completely ignore my ever-growing belly, and I let him because I knew how hard it was to deal with. And then one day, we were talking there on that bench and he stopped, looked over at me and said “Can I try to feel the baby?” OMG…it still makes me tear up just thinking about it.

So there it is…sweetest moment ever…and honestly it just gave me a glimmer of hope that maybe one day it could be alright. And look at us now! ^_^

I say all of this to tell you…no matter what point you are currently at in a pregnancy, it will be okay! Although I was not walking in God’s word, I was still nestled in His grace. Even when I did not know what to do, He always had a plan. It may not be the perfect situation, it may not work out while you’re still pregnant, but He knows…and one day, when He reveals His plan, you will stand in awe of His wisdom and unconditional love.

Lesson Learned: Have faith, Be patient…maybe God is not saying, “No,” He is just saying “I have something better in mind.”

Thanks for reading! Don’t forget to subscribe for future posts!

Looking Back (Part 2)

The next relationship…oh Lord…where to even begin… Ok, let’s start at the first day of school. You know how everyone comes into school on the first day with their brand new clothes trying to look really cute and get everyone’s attention (or in some cases for just ONE person that you’d thought about all summer).

Well our school was no different. So here I am looking all cute…haha just kidding…I honestly have no idea what I was wearing on the first day of school that year. I was talking to my friends (yes, I did have FRIENDS regardless of my nerdy past lol) and everyone was pointing people out and introducing people left and right. I met a few guys but they were sophomores so it was kind of a hi and bye type thing. Oh wait…rewind….let’s start here – last year was sophomore year and I had been in advanced classes since FOREVER. So looking over my credits, I realized that I only needed 2 courses to skip a grade. That summer I took the two classes I needed so I came back to school a Senior, at the ripe old age of 15. I want to say that  I came back just READY to show out and be ME…but I don’t remember things that way. I was definitely a lot more outspoken but only with people I knew. No more big sister to hang out with between classes, she had graduated last year. So I just had to do my own thing.

This year one thing was really awesome! I got to be in Mrs. Williams’ drama class. Everyone wanted to be in that class so it was really hard for anyone other than Seniors to get in. There was one thing that was excitingly scary that I had to look forward to…the dance show. Every year the drama teacher had a dance show that was performed in front of the whole school a few different times and also after school for the friends and family that did not go to school there. The exciting part – everyone LOVED the dance shows every year, any student that was in drama was required to be in at least 2 dances and there was always a good mix of new music and old school. The scary part – I CAN’T DANCE. (Did I mention that these dance shows were always recorded so that EVERYONE could forever remember these moments? …FOREVER AND EVER) *face palm*

Needless to say, I was looking forward to (AND DREADING) the dance show.

Whatever, drama class was great all year. She was one of those teachers that the students loved and related to, she was young and pretty and just fun to be around so I’m glad I chose to be in the class anyway.

Back to the story…the dance show was getting closer so we were always practicing. Super embarrassing for a non-dancer…I always wanted to stay in the back (but we were all rotated throughout the performance so that everyone was in the front at some point) and I was so terrified I would forget the moves. Whatever… There were a couple of times that ALL the drama classes had to practice the entire dance show together so, while we were waiting on others to be done with their dances, the other groups were in the gym across the hall. It was nice to just kick back and get out of class for a little while…and hey, wait, who was that? Didn’t I meet that boy on the first day of school? He was actually kinda ok looking…or really hot…whatever…But wait…he wasn’t a senior. How did HE get into drama? Must have been some sort of popular guy magic. Ok so…there he was. Alright, let me just play this off like I’m not trying to be cute. Buuuuut I still hope he notices me.

Well…it happened, for some reason, he noticed me! It must have been because I was so alarmingly good-looking! haha yea..sure. But really, who knows? I must say I was pretty ok that year…def a step up from my former self! I was still pretty shy and didn’t wear ANY makeup…but my clothes were cute, my body was on point (from years of playing soccer) and my hair was long and smooth and curly (bc I had never colored it and refused to cut it again after looking back at the middle school photos! Yikes!) Honestly, I’m not sure what made him try to talk to me back then…maybe it was bc I was a senior…or maybe because I could drive…but in all actuality it was probably because he hadn’t seen me dance yet 😉

 

Anyway, we were all practicing our different dances, right…so from across the room (where I was NOT watching his every move) I saw him get up and join his group to go across the hall and practice their dance. I decided to sneak over there this time and watch. AND WHEN I SAW HIM DANCE…whew Lord…it was over. And he knew it.

From then on we started passing notes, every day…in every class period. I don’t know how we learned anything that year with all the time we spent writing notes to each other. But I know that I looked forward to every single one. One day, just like any other day, I got a note with all his thoughts and events of the day but at the end he said, “You said everyone keeps asking you if we’re going out? They keep asking me too…so now if they ask you, you can just say yes.” Oh really? Real slick…there was no “Do you want to be my girlfriend?” sweetness here. Nope…straight to the point. But it didn’t matter…I was still over the moon!

A couple of days later, I took a test in drama class. After I was done, I went to the front to put it on the teacher’s desk and wait until everyone else was done. When I placed it on her desk she looked up, leaned in close, and asked me was it true that I was dating this guy. I just laughed and said yes and she said “Oh my goodness that is so cute!”

So began the relationship that everyone around us fell in love with too, the relationship that would shape and mold my life over the next four years. This boy became my first real love, the man I gave my virginity to (which is another story to come later), the man who showed me how amazing LOVE can really be…and also how the loss of it can completely take EVERYTHING from you…

Lesson Learned: Never lose hope for the best… but always expect the worst. That way you can never be disappointed.

Check back for the next relationship …and also WAY more to come on this relationship! See you later!

Looking Back (Part 1)

So one of the first things I’d like to talk about…RELATIONSHIPS. It’s funny to look back at different ages, relationships, stages in life…and to think about all the factors that go into how you handle a person or situation. Looking back, obviously most people think “man..why didn’t I say this?” or “why did I let that happen?” but when you’re caught up in everything, sometimes it’s hard to know what decision you’ll make. So let’s just get right into it.

I remember back in middle school when I had a crush on a boy…the first time this actually turned into a kind of sort of…relationship if you could call it that in middle school. It’s kind of funny looking back on it now and yet somehow still just as embarrassing. First, let me say that I was a total and complete NERD in middle school…11 years old, skinny, too tall, ugly haircut, no fashion sense…and a roller backpack…

Needless to say, I never looked up from the floor when I walked down the hall. Sad really when I think about it. But moving on…so I had a crush on this boy in my gym class but he was way more popular than me so I never thought anything of it. I honestly cannot remember how but we actually began having conversations in gym class every day and eventually, he wrote me a note asking if I wanted to be his girlfriend. Of course, I was elated and said yes! But after that came the second guessing, the “what if I look stupid in front of him??”, and the “omg how did this happen?!” so I completely clammed up and never really talked to him in person again after that. lol! wth…we would still write notes though (bc for some reason I was brave when he wasn’t standing in front of me.) But inevitably, he ended the relationship with the girl who refused to speak a word to him. Haha…lesson learned: Just be yourself. He liked you that way.

Be Yourself

Moving on….let’s skip forward two years to high school where HEY! I was actually a little better! I was 13 years old my freshman year. I had refused to continue in band…YES, I SAID BAND! (Ugh…I try to forget these things). I grew my hair out, I actually had a SHAPE to my body and I dressed way better. (Thank God) And yet, that mindset still remained: “omg, what if I look stupid in front of everybody?!” Though I occasionally looked up from the ground during walks through the hallway between classes, for the most part, I still kept my mouth shut for fear of saying something mortifying. I did, however, have conversations on the bus! So naturally my next reciprocated crush was a boy who lived down the street from us. I was his girlfriend for a month or two but eventually this too fell apart bc of my extreme awkwardness around guys that I liked. I don’t know what it was about gaining the girlfriend title that all of a sudden rendered me almost mute! I could totally chat with you all day until “you wanna be my girlfriend?”  

awkward

But hey…I was getting closer to opening up…I guess. So move on another year…sophomore year…my next crush was two years older than me. I didn’t really know a lot about him but he was really nice to me and had been a friend of my sister’s for years. My parents had a rule that I wasn’t allowed to go out on dates until I was old enough to drive but he was fine with that so he just came to my mom’s house to hang out with me every day after school. And guess what …I ACTUALLY SPOKE TO HIM! haha… milestone!

Anyway…we hung out for months at my parents’ house, he was my first real kiss (YES at 14 years old I had my first kiss!), he bought me a cute little ring at Christmas time, it had my birthstone in it and he pinned it inside the pocket of a hoody (hoodies were my FAVORITE thing to put on in cold weather…scratch that, hoodies ARE my favorite thing to put on in cold weather! ha…) I really liked this guy. This was also my first experience at heartbreak when, after four months of dating, I found out he had been sleeping with a girl at our school for who knew how long. Needless to say, we broke up and little Brandi was heartbroken (as heartbroken as a 14 year old can be lol)…what REALLY devastated me was when I found out in the lunchroom that he had told everyone INCLUDING MY OLDER SISTER (whom I was very close with) that I had lost my virginity to him AND it only took him TWO WEEKS to get me to do it! WHAT?! So I found my courage REAL QUICKLY after that, I immediately stood up in front of everyone and stated loudly (to the entire cafeteria) that I had not done ANYTHING with that guy! Let’s get that straight…Another lesson learned: Don’t always be so trusting.


The next two relationships…man…what can I say? They were def a WHOLE PILE of lessons learned…I learned a few things the hard way with them…but I also gained some beautiful things in the end. This discussion will have to continue in another blog because those are two VERY LONG STORIES! haha

But thanks for joining me! Be back soon!